My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I finally believe I have the hang of this SOCKING & BLOCKING malarkey.
My dear little ghostly writer is pushing me for my next adventure but these ADORABLE SOCKS are SIREN SINGING……………KNIT ME! KNIT ME! KNIT ME!
Oh well, head down for an hour and then let me at those SOCK NEEDLES and GORGEOUS SEASCAPE YARN.
PUDDING CLUB my dear ladies and occasional gentleman?
Yes I’m in, a whole evening of EATING nothing but PUDDINGS and drinking WINE.
I’m off to make a HOT CROSS BUN bread pudding.
Might I have acquired a PUDDING addiction?
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman I returned from a very lovely AFTERNOON TEA with friends to discover Ronald had VACUUMED and WASHED all the floors.
What a WONDERFUL husband I hear you all SHOUT and you are correct and I thanked him accordingly.
Then with a HANGDOG faced he FESSED UP and showed me this:
POWERFUL enough to SUCK UP, CHEW AND SPIT OUT a sleeve of the baby jacket I had just finished KNITTING for a nephews impending baby.
I suppose I should be thankful the GTECH survived and it was just one sleeve!
Out come the knitting needles again.
Ronald has had a bit of making up to do.
KNITTING PRICKLY PROTECTION? I hear you ask my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, yes indeedy.
I needed some KNITTING NEEDLES to start a new project and was looking through my late mother’s collection when I came across these.
Ideal for KNITTING something WARM and WILLY……….I mean WOOLY for the WINTER.
Please look away now occasional gentleman.
My dear ladies we all know that FANNY FARTS are a natural occurrence for us women. If we are honest they usually happen at embarrassing moments.
But I believe we should celebrate this phenomenon and discard the embarrassment. Let us be proud of our FANNY FARTS after all, men cannot do them.
So when you exit the lavatory to a waiting queue of ladies after a spectacular FANNY FART, take a bow.
When you are DOWNWARD DOGGING at Yoga and a FANNY FART rips through the chilled out class, be PROUD.
Be aware that horse-riding can result in multiple FANNY FARTS.
When you are in the GREENGROCERS standing on one leg stretched out and reaching up to that top shelf for a KIWI FRUIT and a FANNY FART escapes, turn and smile at the other shoppers, tossing your fruit in a nonchalant manner.
The man in your life will be delighted with the extra action, should one occur during intimate relations.
I must admit to enjoying a FANNY FART when I’m super excited because I’m in a new WOOL shop with gorgeous wools.
Remember ladies be proud of our bodies and their functions, never be embarrassed, embrace those FANNY FARTS!
p.s. Just to clarify for my dear ladies and occasional gentleman who reside in other countries, FANNY FARTS do not erupt from ladies bottoms.
TABLE-TOPS, HOT KNOBS & BANANAS
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, My dear friend Veronica and I stepped into the RETAIL world when we booked a table at the hall next to SAINSBURYS for a TABLE-TOP SALE.
Ron the organiser, explained over the phone that we were to put our sale items in a SAINSBURYS trolley and make our way to the rear entrance.
Veronica asked if we could just carry our goods in. Decidedly not. According to Ron The only way is to transport the goods in a SUPERMARKET trolley.
We duly parked and collected a trolley each, loaded up and made our way to the rear. Where we joined a collection of trolleys and a DISTRAUGHT Ron. Apparently the over 80’s GAY GORDONS CLUB had overrun, there were vague mutterings and accusations of the EARL-GRAY being SPIKED. But the upshot was poor Ron had no tables ready.
We joined the throng, there was a bit of POSTURING and PUSHING as people tried to maintain their position and some distinctly unfriendly glares. Which I turned away from and found myself face to face with a very pleasant lady and we chatted while we waited.
We had nearly unpacked every thing, when a young lady accosted us and said “this is my table”. It’s a very competitive business, the table-top sale!
Ron bless him soon sorted things out and we were able to stay where we were. I was selling a rather smart LINEN skirt and discussed the joys of linen and my price with a woman, she then gave me a superior smile and said “it is too big for me” and walked off.
A little lady tottered up and asked “does your knob get hot?” It took me a while to realise she was talking about a TEAPOT!
“I’m not sure” I said. That’s another sale lost but it was OK because two very nice young men came along a little later and bought it. I’m sure they have LADYLIKE tea parties.
Veronica nudged me and directed my gaze to the older ladies across the way, “old ladies eat a lot of bananas don’t they?” I must say it wasn’t something I had noticed before, but now that she had mentioned it, yes they do.
Poor Veronica had to intervene between two customers who were fighting for the same spot and a loud man shouted in my ear “what’s the damage? I hadn’t a clue as to what he meant. Veronica interpreted that he wanted to know how much the FRIDGE MAGNETS were. “10p” I told him
“Humph,” he said walking away, last of the big spenders!
A man requested a price for a huge plastic tub of TAPESTRY wool and a tapestry. We agreed a price and off he went across to the banana eating ladies, there was a lot of discussion and then he came back, “Is this something a MAN can do” he asked
Not being sure if he meant eating the bananas but opting for the tapestry, I reassured him “Of course, lots of men knit and sew, there is equality in most things now you know, so if you want to you can”.
There were many incidents but I have just realised that I have been chuntering on so I had better go.
WOOLY DILEMMA, CRUTCHING & GOOD PARENTING. No. 30 was wandering about on his WOBBLY new legs listening and looking for his mother. His brother had given up and was curled in a FETAL heap. In a field full of EWES it is confusing as to EWE your mother is; approaching the wrong one can result in a HEAD-BUTTING!
Their mother Mrs 30 did not appear to have maternal instincts. She was more interested in re-instating her SVELTE figure and lovely white WOOLY glossy coat. It had taken months for the RADDLE to wash out in the rain, I mean who wants to go around with a big PURPLE BLOB on your bum.
Whatever happened in that LAMBING SHED was staying in that LAMBING SHED. She couldn’t wait for her CRUTCHING (the human equivalent of BACK, SACK AND CRACK), the DAGS-WOOL was a humiliation too far. Then a nice relaxing FOOT-BATH, aaah she could feel that warm water gently swirling around her feet – “OH BUGGER! I’ve just wet myself”
Her son was trying to blend in with lambs 28 whose mother was constantly calling and checking on her OFFSPRING. Surely this MOTHERLY EWE with the cuddly body and the smell of warm milk must be his mother too.
He was a bit confused by the world. One minute he was curled up with his brother in a warm dark place the next he was SQUEEZED out into the cold. When before EWE could say ‘HELLO WORLD’ someone had slipped a rubber band over his BOY-BITS and tail and stamped no. 28 on him!
Mrs 30 gently pushed him in the direction of his own mother who was gaily sashaying across the grass as if she was in a MISS WOOL competition in the SWIMSUIT SECTION, without a care in the world.
The maternal ewes were RUMINATING and discussing Mrs 30.
“She’s never been the same since she was in that CHANNEL 4 documentary ‘THE ONLY WAY IS WOOLY’ said one young matron.
“EWER only jealous Jenny, it’s not an attractive trait”
“I think we should call in SOCIAL SERVICES it’s heartbreaking the way she is ignoring her babies”.
“Ewe shouldn’t be so quick to judge, ewe were a young mum once”
“Doris is right dear, ewe should be helping her, after all you are the oldest.”
“How very dare EWE I don’t think I am”
“Teeth don’t lie and ewers stick out like ALAN CARRS”
“Ok ladies let’s not get personal, I think if wool check our teeth, we bah more or less the same age”
“WOOL EWE all stop PUSSY-FOOTING AROUND and let’s tell her to MAN-UP, I’ve already got two HUNGRY HORRORS dragging my TITS to my knees. I am NOT taking on hers!
“BEYONCE’s right, EWE-ALL go around her in a circle collecting her babies on the way and we’ll help her be a good mum. BEYONCÉ can be our ‘THIS IS ONE I MADE EARLIER’ example”
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I know they are not my responsibility but I cannot help but keep an eye on the sheep and new baby lambs in the field outside my sitting-room window.
It is a constant worry when the lambs get separated from their mothers and this is why I cannot possibly do any house-work or cooking at present. As I have to sit around eating CHOCOLATE and drinking a lovely cup of TWININGS EVERYDAY TEA whilst I keep watch. Sorry Ronald.
HOME SHOPPING, STALKING & NEW WOOL
Oh dear Ronald has discovered HOME SHOPPING CHANNELS. He appears to have ordered two CERAMIC PANS.
I was getting ready to go out to PANTOMIME rehearsals. I had only left him for 20 minutes alone with the TV REMOTE, whilst I collected, COSTUMES, TABLET with the music on, SCRIPT and TORCH.
When I returned to say goodbye, I wasn’t allowed to leave I had to stand in my HAT, SCARF, WINTER COAT AND FUR-LINED BOOTS, in the heated SITTING ROOM and watch a DEMONSTRATION by a YOUNG HIP CHEF cooking in one pan whilst cooking and burning something in a second pan. Miraculously the YOUNG HIP CHEF took the BURNT OFFERINGS tipped them into a bin and proceeded to wipe clean with a piece of KITCHEN ROLL said BURNT pan.
Ronald was seriously impressed and now that he has taken up cooking he NEEDED these pans, he told me. I left before I passed out with HEAT-STROKE or BOREDOM.
On my return, I checked my E-MAILS before going to bed and there sat SMUGLY in my inbox a receipt for TWO CERAMIC PANS!
I received a parcel today and Ronald ran into the hall shouting “Are those my pans?”
No dear it is my NEW WOOL, how exciting.
I had ordered some to knit a CHUNKY SPRING CARDIGAN for Saskia and Seraphina, I have the WOOL for Morellos but I think she wants to knit it for herself.
So I suggest dear ladies and occasional gentleman, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR TV REMOTE IN UNTRAINED HANDS – CARELESSNESS COSTS YOU POUNDS!
Ronald will be STALKING the POSTMAN until his parcel arrives.