Yesterday my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, myself and Veronica were on our way back from a busy ‘HOGWASH’ day CRAFT FAYRE, when we INADVERTANTLY stopped at the PUB. It seemed churlish not to enter and partake of a little RESTORATIVE WINE, so we did.

The POLITE young man with the HAIR behind the bar (I think he may have been a reject from OME DIRECTION) requested our drinks. Veronica in as FAST AS A FERRET asked for a DRY WHITE WINE SPRITZER, this was duly served to her. Turning to me he asked “and what would you like?”
“A glass of SAUVIGNON BLANC” I replied.
“Would you like the bottle with a straw in?” He asked.
Quite frankly I was shocked, what is a lady to think? Did I look like some kind of ‘ALCY?” Why me and not Veronica?
“How very dare you, what are you implying?” I asked.
He just laughed and said “I guess that’s just a medium then.

I think it may be all that HAIR, it ADDLES the brain, it’s not all that good for a young man even if it is only on the very top of the head. After all remember the HIPPIES?

Yours Affrontedly





My dear ladies and occasional gentleman the other evening I went for a walk with my dear friend Gloria. “We need to be back in time to go to the playing field for the BALLOON to go up”  enthused Gloria. Well to say I was taken aback would be an understatement!  I know that there is an inordinate amount of TURMOIL in the WORLD  and it is the anniversary  of THE GREAT WAR, WW1 but really what could be occurring of such magnitude on the VILLAGE PLAYING FIELD? As we made our way to the field there was a WHOOSH of HOT AIR, and NO  my dear ladies and occasional gentleman,  it was not ME! imageThis was the CULPRIT.


Not something you expect to see on a TUESDAY evening. It was very exciting and there was quite a TECHNIQUE to getting it UP IN THE AIR. imageWe sat on a bench enjoying the GLORIOUS evening sunshine, when Gloria said “wouldn’t it be pleasant to have a glass of wine while we sit here and watch”? Now I am not generally known for my speed but before you could say “UP UP & AWAY” I had nipped home and brought back two GLASSES and a bottle of SAUVIGNON BLANC. We had barely taken a sip, when my dear friend Titania (I hesitate to say any whiff of alcohol and she’s there) joined us on our bench. Nobody can say that Celia LADYGARDEN  is selfish, I immediately topped up our glasses and handed Titania the BOTTLE, from which she proceeded to drink from in a ladylike manner.

Unfortunately whilst researching information regarding BALLOON TECHNIQUES I discovered rather shockingly that it had another meaning! So if any gentlemen seeking information regarding their ‘LITTLE SOLDIER’ found my little ‘BLISS’ by mistake, I apologise.

Yours Blushingly


My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, whilst writing to you I am also waiting for a call regarding number two DAUGHTER’s AUDI. Also I will admit to you that I am a sipping of a fruity little SAUVIGNON BLANC and it is only 3.20 in the afternoon.

In my defence I have had a FRAGGLED day so far. It started last Tuesday, yes I know what you are thinking that is a long day. My daughter Morello had travelled down as her car needed some work for the MOT. On the way she stopped for petrol and as it was sunny put her ROOF down. As the ROOF went down there was a loud POP and her back window smashed, which was pretty scary.

She had to return to work taking my precious FIAT 500 CONVERTABLE. So this morning Ronald and I had to take broken vehicle to the AUDI garage in the city about an hours drive away on a large INDUSTRIAL PARK. So I strapped little hirsute Roley into the front seat of Ronald’s BMW which I was driving and he was to follow me in the AUDI as I had the SATNAV.

That is where it all went wrong the SATNAV, you see she is Ronald’s OTHER WOMAN! Ever since he has had that bitch she has had it in for me. Oh dear I am so sorry, I apologise for the language but she really ‘GETS MY GOAT!’

I programmed in the address and off we went. What was SHE doing? Well I don’t know because her screen was BLACK ! However she did take every opportunity to shout instructions at me!

Ignoring YOU KNOW WHO, it was as I was approaching the city centre that I needed a little help. I was coming up to a right turn which I knew I had to take but MISS STROPPY KNICKERS was completely silent so I carried on then………… RECALCULATING! RECALCULATING! The b…chI

I made a left turn in order to turn around and head back, I pulled into a small turning and turned out to go back, Ronald pulled up tight behind me. I pulled out and up to the TRAFFIC LIGHTS and realised that Ronald wasn’t behind me. He had got out of the car to ask me where we were going and had to jump back in because I pulled away.

The traffic lights were RED so I waited for him, then they changed to GREEN and a van pulled up behind me, I pretended to STALL until they went red again and Ronald had caught up.

When I arrived at the left turning I wanted , NO LEFT TURN, so I drove onto a garage where I could turn again. I pulled back out into the road not realising AGAIN that Ronald had got out to chat about directions, too late. He had to jump into the Audie and follow as best he could.

Madam wasn’t saying very much and didn’t say anything, when I saw the sign for the industrial estate, so I turned anyway because I knew that the AUDI GARAGE was somewhere there.

SATNAV continued to give me SARCASTIC INSTRUCTIONS which I ignored and eventually in this HUMUNGOUS ESTATE I found the right place.

I have decided that the SATNAV WOMAN is the sister of the woman in my FIAT who also has a STROPPY attitude. Why are these women like this, do men programme them specifically to annoy?

Yours Peevishly




Well my dear ladies and occasional gentlemen, this evening along with some of my lady friends I went to see ALAN BENNET’s TALKING HEADS. What a good piece of theatre and we were lucky that this performance was in our Village Hall.

Great acting by two wonderful ladies and a delicious tea in the interval, what an enjoyable evening. We enjoyed a glass of SAUVIGNON BLANC from CHILE during the performance but I think that my dear friend Gwendoline may have imbibed one or two in her LOG SHED before the evening started. She was quite excitable and a little RISQUÉ on occasions. I must admit to having a small glass myself with my lunch earlier in the day.

When Gwendoline asked how our bed hunt was going, I told her that Ronald and I had looked at a bed that the end raised up, for storage underneath. When I told her that Ronald GOT IT UP but I couldn’t GET IT DOWN she had a fit of the giggles, I don’t know why.

We were joined this evening by a lovely lady Concertina who hadn’t been before and asked if she could come along but she would leave her DICK at home, another lady to join our merry group

Yours Theatrically


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