FIRE IN YOUR UNDERPANTS

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FIRE IN YOUR UNDERPANTS

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, this morning I was working at my lap-top when Ronald approached muttering. I apologise in advance for the more tender flowers amongst you for what I am about to impart.

“I was just sitting on the TOILET when I noticed this, have a LOOK” says Ronald shoving both hands down the back of his trousers. 

“I don’t know if I want to” says I tearing myself away from my writing. He pulled his TROUSERS down at the back exposing his BOXERS. I’m not sure what I expected to see but I was relieved when he turned over the waistband and showed me the LABEL.

” Well it’s a bit worrying, what do they mean ‘KEEP AWAY FROM FIRE’ what a STRANGE thing to have on your  UNDERPANTS, have a look will you?”

Now you might want to chuckle at poor Ronald and his QUANDRY but his little face was CREASED with concern, so I took a look.

“Why would I  want to go near a FIRE in my UNDERPANTS? But what if I HAVE to go near a fire in my UNDERPANTS? Will I catch ALIGHT?”

I tried to reassure him and said it was unlikely he would have to go near a fire in his underpants.

“Your bloody right, if your wearing them you don’t want your UNDERPANTS  to catch FIRE do you?”

“No dear, I should forget about it and go out and do a bit in the garden”

Ronald exited muttering as he went “what a strange thing to have on your underpants”

Yours  Distractedly

Celia

RONALD’S BRIEF ENCOUNTER – (but without the trains)

English: Karrimor shoes
English: Karrimor shoes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

RONALD’S BRIEF ENCOUNTER occurred whilst taking hirsute Roley for a walk.

He met three LADY-HIKERS who had been round the block, Ronald likes ladies who go far. They stopped him to ask “Are you taking the dog for a walk?” Now excuse me if I sound snitchy but talk about stating the f………g obvious. I believe it was a bit of a RUSE to engage in flirtatiousness with a SILVER FOX.

According to Ronald they were very NICE ladies and one of them had a lovely pair of  HIKING BOOTS, he’d never seen such big ones. He was on the point of inviting them home for a cup of tea when he had second thoughts. SENSIBLE RONALD

Yours Miffedly

Celia

COUNTRY CREAM FINISHES ME OFF

Interior painted
Ronald Finishes Me Off With Country Cream

What a hero Ronald is, he has erected my summerhouse whilst I painted most of the outside in ‘Pale Sage’,  Ronald finished it off and has painted my inside with country cream . Although we are in dispute.  I want some of my externals  picked out in country cream and Ronald so far is passively resisting. I have some ideas for my inside which includes some hand-painting, photos to follow.

Disaster,  the wool shop had run out of the wool I needed to complete Little Nanook’s blanket.  They may order some more but cannot promise. This may see me unpicking the border I have already sewn on and buying new wool, sigh.

2013.06.20 gemini & light blue teddies

Here are two new knitted bears, I still have to embroider noses and will now start on their clothes. Their personalities evolve as I am knitting them and every one is completely unique just like me

Yours Creamily

Celia

RONALD'S COD-PIECEThis week is knitting in public week,.So here I am in Tesco’s car-park measuring Ronald for a new cod-piece. “A cod-piece” you may query, we are not in 14th century England. No we are not but unfortunately Ronald saw a piece on Sir Ranulph Fines and he was explaining how anything exposed and sticking out is liable to frost-bite and may indeed have to be amputated.

Poor Ronald was very disturbed on hearing this information and shut himself in his shed cogitating . He came out 3 hours later, weaving across the lawn, with the strong smell of Bombadier and scattering crumbs from consuming a whole box of Tunnock’s Tea Cakes Est. 1890, shouting “Knit me a cod-piece woman”.

So I decided to combine the events: shopping (unfortunately did not have time to get to Waitrose), Knitting in public and because Ronald was too embarrassed to be measured in front of a car park full of interested shoppers, I measured a handy boy-scout scarecrow who was amazingly the same size.

Yours Knitting Publicly

Celia

Cover-Ups

Recovering with a stiff G & T after Roland and That Woman had left, I comtemplated the dilemma of the summer dress or top with a Linguine strap. Personally the minimum width strap I would consider is the Lasagne (talking of pasta I can recommend the Manicotti [man-a-cottee] (“Small Muffs”) one of Ronalds favourites. Stuffed with a mixture of meat, cheese and vegetables, topped with your favourite sauce and baked in the oven, or stuff and freeze for a lunch with your lady friends.

I digress back to the exposed tops of arms and shoulders. Why is it that even though in the UK the majority of ladies are size 16 and above and over 50; manufacturers still insist on making dresses with Angel hair straps and too short?

Now I am sure you will agree I am abreast of the latest trends and fashions but I retrocede to our Icons; Audrey, Vanessa and Dianna. They discovered the style that suited them and stuck to it with the odd nod to current trends. This is what we should all apprehend for ourselves.

One of the classic but wearable solutions is a wrap or shawl. I prefer to call it a wrap which sounds like a present exciting to unwrap; rather than a shawl which sounds as if it came out of a Catherine Cookson novel. Now ladies I know some of you have yet to pick up kneedles and wool but I urge you to give it a try. It is the most relaxing, satisfying occupation and it is like the Martini advertisement something you can do anytime, anyplace, anywhere.

One of the simplest items to knit as a beginner is a wrap or shawl, which can be knitted in any type of wool. Choose something soft and a colour that will go with your summer wardobe, don’t worry about thickness just pick something that takes your fancy. On the label you will find the size of needle to knit with but again do not worry to much if you have a slightly different size. A larger needle will create a lacy effect, a smaller needle a tighter weave.

Start by casting on two stiches, knit a row. Then knit every row but increase a stitch at the beginning and end of every row. When it is big enough, cast off. You will end up with a large triangular wrap.

Here is Ronald  modelling one I made using different types of yarnImage

So come along ladies pick up those needles, knit a wrap and cover those shoulders and bingo wings.

Yours Clickety Clacking

Celia

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