SPAM-BOT ON THE LOOSE!

SPAM-BOT ON THE LOOSE!

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman who knew? I’ve never heard of a SPAM-BOT but apparently there is one on the LOOSE.

And it’s not Ronald’s DERRIERE after too many SPAM FRITTERS!

I have been BOMBARDED with new SPAM followers from a NEW BOT but the wonderful HAPPINESS ENGINEERS at WORDPRESS are working hard on BLOCKING them.

Yours Bottily

Celia

P.S. Just a reminder that this WONDERFUL book ‘CELIA LADYGARDEN AND THE CURIOUS CURIOSITY’ is available on AMAZON. It’s all about an INCIDENT that happened in our little North Devon village, of course dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I am the HEROINE.

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These are great short stories by my dear friend and co-author, also available on AMAZON.

Copy of Little Red & Other Stories (4)

COSY IN OPORTO & A LUCKY ESCAPE

wp-1485439903944.jpgwp-1485440263315.jpgMy dear ladies and occasional gentleman, if you consider a little SOJOURN to OPORTO, you might consider a stay in the OPORTO COSY.

Built in the 190o’s it retains many original features, the optional breakfast is more than enough to keep you going through the day. Tea, coffee and wine can be served in your room but the best part of the GUESTHOUSE is the warm welcome and the service.

It is also great value for money.

Oporto is built on a hill running down to the river. The position of the guesthouse towards the top has a big ADVANTAGE, it means you can enjoy your, FOOD, WINE & PORT then WALK it off on the way back.

Yours Cosily

Celia

p.s. LUCKY ESCAPE, my dear ladies and occasional gentleman in the NEWS today was a story about a poor LADY who tried to drink her MINIATURE BOTTLE of VODKA on an EASY JET FLIGHT.

The flight attendants told her that she couldn’t drink it and even called the POLICE and asked for her to be ARRESTED.

Thank goodness the police had more sense and REFUSED.

I’m thinking that VERONICA and I were very LUCKY not to be ARRESTED when she FILLED Her WATER BOTTLE with VODKA & TONIC and I filled mine with GIN & TONIC and we took them on our FLIGHT to MORROCCO.

CUNNING AER LINGUS , AT THE OSCARS

imageCUNNING AER LINGUS AT THE OSCARS

Did you see us at the OSCARS, myself and Veronica? We were there.

We had been NOMINATED for our two SHORT FILMS how exciting. It was a bit of a rush to get there after our FORAGING SUNDAY. But I am sure my dear ladies and occasional gentlemen if you had been nominated, you would have made every effort to get there.

We just managed to make the RED CARPET but as we were late no pictures I am afraid. Which is a shame because I had managed to remove Veronica’s FLYING DUCK SWEATSHIRT and get her into a FROCK for a change!

I was wearing a little number that Mrs Smithers had run up for me to my OWN DESIGN. You can never go wrong with GREEN FLOCKING and I wanted to change the sitting room CURTAINS anyway. There was one awkward moment just as WILL SMITH entered the stage, I crossed my legs and discovered a CURTAIN HOOK which had worked its way down the inside of my tights. I don’t think WILL noticed.

The other disappointment was missing out on THE SELFIE. We became stuck at the back with LISA MINELLI. If you look carefully you can see my right shoulder just above MERYL STREEPS head. I am not sure what Veronica was holding on to but the look on KEVIN SPACEY’s face tells a story!

We had a lovely interview afterwards with little TIM MASTERS from the BBC and hopefully they will show this on the 10 0’CLOCK NEWS.

Thank you to CUNNING AER LINGUS for slipping us in at the last minute. BRISTOL AIRPORT is perfect for TWO LADIESto fly from.

Yours Oscarly

Celia

THE BURMA RAILWAY, BUMS & FRIENDS

THE BURMA RAILWAY, BUMS & FRIENDS
So I am just winding down from the pantomime (more about that later) and I went with
my dear lady friends, Gwendoline, Theresa & Christina to the CINEMA to see the film ‘THE RAILWAY MAN’. We took our drinks in with us, ours is a very civilised THEATRE/CINEMA, my drink being ELDERFLOWER. I am afraid rather a lot of ALCOHOL had been consumed the week of the pantomime, so now I am reducing my intake to a glass of WINE with a meal , weekends only.

We had good seats, back row, downstairs and we settled ourselves. Just before the film started a lady climbed up to us and indicated she needed to go passed us to get to her seat on the inside.

“This always ANNOYS ME when someone arrives late and you have to stand up to let them through” she says, chuckling to herself. Unfortunately as I stood up and there is not very much room as you may be aware, my SEAT FLIPPED UP taking my SKIRT with it, giving the people behind me a clear view of my BUM!

The film is quite HARROWING and I am sorry to say dear ladies and the occasional gentleman, that I had to COVER MY EYES at some of the scenes of torture and brutality. One cannot fail to be moved by the HISTORY of the poor men who were forced to build THE BURMA RAILWAY, or of their wives who had to live with these broken men after THE WAR.

This was the second occasion I had cried this evening, the first was watching the NEWS before I left home and seeing the plight of the people of SYRIA.

On leaving the AUDITORIUM a lady was heard asking her friend who the empty seat next to her had been for. The reply was “Oh that’s for my IMAGINARY FRIEND”.

In the midst of TRAGEDY there is still some HUMOUR.

Yours Tearfully

Celia

WHAT FUN! ROYAL GODPARENTS

WHAT FUN! ROYAL GODPARENTS

How thrilled Ronald and I were to be asked to be Godparents to the Little Prince George and pleased that they had chosen to name him after Ronald’s middle name. And how excited I was to be e-mailed by the Queen, making sure that we didn’t wear the same colour outfit.

Ronald decided to wear his white linen suit because he had heard that it was going to be an informal affair but I’m not sure the JOHN TRAVOLTA look was quite right. Of course it was such short notice that I didn’t have the time to buy a new hat. So I whipped out my number 8 needles and my WOMENS WEEKLY 1937 KNITTING BOOK ‘HATS FOR ALL OCCASIONS’ and luckily I had some PEA-GREEN, ORGANIC, BAMBOO, CASHMILLON, HANDSPUN, CHUNKY RAFFIA DOUBLE WOOL, that I had put by. So I settled down with a large GIN & TONIC and created.

If you look at the pictures you will just see me and the hat to the left of THE QUEEN, you cannot see poor Ronald as he was trapped behind the COUNTESS CAMILLA. The Duke was so funny, he asked me if he could TICKLE MY FANCY with my hat feather, what larks.

The food could have been better, I don’t think CORNBEEF & PICKLE VOL-AU-VENTS are suitable for the Queen, And the SCOTCH EGGS with the little cross of St George flags in were just common.

Of course PIPPA PARTYPLANNER had organised the food, so say no more!

THE QUEEN has promised to send me some photographs and I have promised to send her the hat pattern.

Yours Royaly

Celia

DEVON & CORNWALL POLICE COMMISSIONER OOPS!

DEVON and CORNWALL POLICE COMMISSIONER TONY HOGG has been given a TAXPAYER FUNDED allowance of £650 pounds a month because he has a two hour drive to POLICE HEADQUARTERS in EXETER from his home.

AH BLESS. MAYBE HE DIDN’T REMEMBER WHERE HE LIVED WHEN HE APPLIED FOR THE JOB!

Yours Ripped-offedly

Celia