OO! ER! MATRON! What a fantastic woman. I have just met my first MATRON and what a ball of energy she was before you could say KENNETH WILLIAMS she had sorted my mother out, sorted me out and sorted out some care. At last I feel as if I have some support in caring for her. Before either my mother or I knew what was happening I was giving her a wash down. Although I didn’t go further than MIDDLE WALLOP and handed the soapy flannel to mother. She seemed to be enjoying herself in fact I had to prize the flannel out of her hand in order to re-soap and ask her to do THE BACK OF BEYOND.

After I had put on her fresh clean nightie I set her off back to the sitting room. She thought she would impress Matron with a little acrobatic display and careered off into the wall with a crash and sound effects but Matron cooly ignored this display. She carried on writing and mother carried on back to her chair.

After she had gone I shot off to have my hair cut, this was badly needed as I was beginning to feel like a younger version of CHER.

Arriving home for one of my rare visits dear Ronald had a large GIN & TONIC waiting. I sipped it whilst listening to the melodic cacocphany of the smoke alarms as he cooked me beans on toast.

Yours Ear-splittingly


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