POPPY SEEDS IN THE LADYGARDEN! You may well ask my dear ladies and occasional gentleman.
A dear friend of mine asked me to make up the numbers in her soap workshop, ‘lovely’ you might think and you’d be right. I partnered a lovely young woman who chose lemon and lime essence, honey and POPPY SEEDS for our soap, here is a picture.
It smells DEVINE , looks a little ODD but heigh-ho it has all NATURAL ingredients and I know what’s in it.
In the shower I was surrounded by relaxing aromas and I started to rub the soap over my skin which felt like being rubbed by a ROUGH LIZARD
Once dressed and going about my business I was aware of a NOT unpleasant SENSATION in my LADYGARDEN. A couple of hours later I felt something SLIDE and BUMP down my leg escaping out the BOTTOM of my trouser leg and bouncing off my shoe. It was POPPY SEEDS.
WARNING! ALWAYS ENSURE A THOROUGH RINSE OF THE LADYGARDEN WHEN USING IMPREGNATED SOAP!
QUIRILI-ANUS! My dear ladies and occasional gentleman.
It was our parish CAROL SERVICE, 9 lessons and carols in our beautiful village church last Sunday.
I was sitting in a pew with PCSO Claire and her sister. Lovely young ladies. I had noticed something wasn’t quite right but couldn’t put my finger on it until halfway through the THIRD CAROL, when I realised they were singing a completely different CAROL.
They had been given LAST YEARS order of service.
This year I was reading lesson 6, which had in it the unfortunate name of QUIRINIUS.
I said to them ” I have a tricky name in my reading, QUIRILI-ANUS.” Needless to say once the SPOONERISM had left my lips and hit their ears they were a bundle of giggling girlies.
Imagine my perturbation as I stood in the pulpit and looked out at the congregation.
KNITTING PRICKLY PROTECTION? I hear you ask my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, yes indeedy.
I needed some KNITTING NEEDLES to start a new project and was looking through my late mother’s collection when I came across these.
They hail from the 1960’s and are made out of COLOURED CASEIN a milk protein I believe.
Ideal for KNITTING something WARM and WILLY……….I mean WOOLY for the WINTER.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman as I hope you may be aware I have been absent.
We were lucky enough to spend first a week in beautiful WELSH WALES, HIRSUTE ROLEY particularly enjoyed the beach. Despite the clouds it was lovely and warm.
We returned home for one night to the very lovely NORTH DEVON.
Then secondly a few days in gorgeous CORNWALL.
Beautiful flowers grown by my beautiful granddaughter.
A veritable CORNUCOPIA of CELTICNESS.
You would have thought that with all this relaxation and beautiful surroundings my HAIR would have decided to stay on my HEAD.
On returning home I stepped into the shower (ladies don’t jump).
After I had washed my hair I noticed that I was paddling in about an inch of water.
Investigating the PLUGHOLE I discovered what appeared to be a small knitted jumper BORROWER size.
I HATE CLEANING PLUGHOLES THEY ARE GROSS!
Walking into the sitting room this product was on the Telly.
TWO bottles of GIN or some decent wine.
TWO months supply of FURRY FOAM.
Yours ALOPECIA AURIATALY
P.S. I am still shaving my legs
P.P.S. Some eyebrow and eyelashes down the PLUGHOLE.
P.P.P.S. THE BORROWERS. See Mary Norton.
P.P.P.P.S. North Devon Photo courtesy of my dear friend Karen Owen.
Hirsute Roley is looking for the helicopter that just circled the garden.
IT’S BEHIND YOU ROLEY!
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, does ABSENCE MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER? I hope so as I have been sadly neglecting you but in my defense I have been rather busy.
1. Writing the village PANTOMIME ready to cast in December. (I am up to the interval, so ‘head down’ as Ronald often tells me.) To clarify for my COLONIAL friends, a PANTOMIME is a show where the men dress up as women the women dress up as men, someone dresses up as an animal, the dialogue is full of INNUENDO and DOUBLE ENTENDRES there is singing and dancing and general hilarity.
2. I have been concentrating on writing my book.
3. I have been watching STRICTLY COME DANCING (this year the women are more covered up and I’m pleased to say the men are not!)
4. I have been KNITTING and SEWING for the VILLAGE ANNUAL SHOW.
5. Ronald and I had to make a mercy dash to WAITROSE as my dear friend Veronica the well known and famous FORRAGER, was hosting an event and had forgotten her SHAGGY INK-CAPS. We didn’t have much time so we popped into the CO-OP and bought some CHESTNUT MUSHROOMS reduced becuse they were past their sell-by date.They were a bit bruised so looked a bit inky.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, what larks this morning, indeed Ronald and I were up with the LARKS as we were due early for our annual flu jabs, at our local surgery.
It was touch and go as to whether Ronald could have his as he has had an allergic reaction and his eyes are swollen.
Back at home both punctured and patched we headed outdoors as the weather is glorious.
I intended to WRITE with occasional bits of gardening in between.Ronald decides he is going to clear weeds in the paving with a STANLEY KNIFE but needs a new blade. After attempting but failing to pull the top off he tries various items of CUTLERY before he goes for his HAMMER, at which point I intervene in the hope of avoiding another injury. Oh did I mention that Ronald has BROKEN his WRIST!
I managed to get the top off quite easily with a KNITTING NEEDLE, a reason everyone should learn to KNIT, it does come in handy in all sorts of situations. There was a tiny little knob that had to be depressed (you would be depressed if you had one like that!) before the lid came off.
I am on alert as I sit here and write as with his swollen eyes and vision impaired, a STANLEY KNIFE and a BROKEN WRIST, anything could happen!
BONDAGE FOR BEGINNERS, that my dear ladies and occasional gentleman was the item on daytime television ‘THIS MORNING’ this morning.
I was expecting sections on COOKING, FASHION, and HOME DECOR but definitely not BONDAGE. This is a sample of the items on offer:
Thankfully Ronald was engrossed in his book ‘The Twilight Home for Retired Gentlemen’.
After a section of SPRING FASHION with GOK it moved on to BONDAGE FOR THE ADVANCED! As soon as PHILLIP SCHOFIELD picked up these
Ronald perked up and said “that’s what you need dear’
“What”? Says I
“ROW MARKERS for your knitting” says he.