POPPY SEEDS IN THE LADYGARDEN! You may well ask my dear ladies and occasional gentleman.

A dear friend of mine asked me to make up the numbers in her soap workshop, ‘lovely’ you might think and you’d be right. I partnered a lovely young woman who chose lemon and lime essence, honey and POPPY SEEDS for our soap, here is a picture.

It smells DEVINE , looks a little ODD but heigh-ho it has all NATURAL  ingredients and I know what’s in it.

In the shower I was surrounded by relaxing aromas and I started to rub the soap over my skin which felt like being rubbed by a ROUGH LIZARD

Once dressed and going about my business I was aware of a NOT unpleasant SENSATION in my LADYGARDEN. A couple of hours later I felt something SLIDE and BUMP down my leg escaping out the BOTTOM of my trouser leg and bouncing off my shoe. It was POPPY SEEDS.


Yours Soapily



My dear ladies and occasional gentleman I am sure you will understand my feelings if you too have a husband, wife, partner or child with this ABILITY.


If I am watching a PROGRAMME or FILM that Ronald is NOT interested in he either reads his book, which is great or he will wander about, which is not.

When you have watched intently for the past 45 minutes and just at the point where the MURDERER/LOVER/PLOT whatever is being revealed, this happens.

“It’s really windy out there.” Or, “Hirsute Roley enjoyed his walk today she did a POO.” Or ” Want a cup of tea love?” Or

“Should I put sweet potato in my ratatouille tomorrow?”

All said whilst stood in front of the television!

Yours Testily


p.s. Book available as e-book or paperback from



MELLOW LELLO, my dear ladies and occasional gentleman is just the right phrase.

Livraria Lello is the correct name for this wonderful bookshop.

If you are ever in PORTO,  do take the time for a visit, it is well worth it.

However my dears,  I would advise that you visit before partaking of any ALCOHOLIC BEVERIDGES.

The surreal staircases (think Harry Potter) are not to be tackled after imbibing LIQUID REFRESHMENTS.

I managed to ascend the first flight but on reaching that first SUMMIT. and having to decide to either turn left or right for the next flight, (I’m sure those stairs were moving) I FROZE.

Ronald who had already reached the top luckily peered over the balcony and spotted me on HANDS and KNEES, completely BLOCKING the stairs with a waiting group of camera snapping JAPANESE tourists behind me.

The only way was up and with Ronald’s support and eyes closed I made it.

I don’t think I can put all the blame on the PORT, I am just not very good with heights.

Yours Vertigoly


p.s. Thank you to all my dear ladies and occasional gentleman who have purchased my new book.


wp-1485439903944.jpgwp-1485440263315.jpgMy dear ladies and occasional gentleman, if you consider a little SOJOURN to OPORTO, you might consider a stay in the OPORTO COSY.

Built in the 190o’s it retains many original features, the optional breakfast is more than enough to keep you going through the day. Tea, coffee and wine can be served in your room but the best part of the GUESTHOUSE is the warm welcome and the service.

It is also great value for money.

Oporto is built on a hill running down to the river. The position of the guesthouse towards the top has a big ADVANTAGE, it means you can enjoy your, FOOD, WINE & PORT then WALK it off on the way back.

Yours Cosily


p.s. LUCKY ESCAPE, my dear ladies and occasional gentleman in the NEWS today was a story about a poor LADY who tried to drink her MINIATURE BOTTLE of VODKA on an EASY JET FLIGHT.

The flight attendants told her that she couldn’t drink it and even called the POLICE and asked for her to be ARRESTED.

Thank goodness the police had more sense and REFUSED.

I’m thinking that VERONICA and I were very LUCKY not to be ARRESTED when she FILLED Her WATER BOTTLE with VODKA & TONIC and I filled mine with GIN & TONIC and we took them on our FLIGHT to MORROCCO.



My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, today is an auspicious day, it is my late mothers birthday, bless her.

So as a present to her this is the perfect day for publishing my first book.

I have been working in collaboration with my dear friend Glenda who has written about one of my MOMENTOUS ADVENTURES.

Now I am not sure if this is the done thing or correct ETIQUETTE for putting on ones ‘BLISS’ so forgive me.

I’m just hoping that my fellow villagers like their moment of FAME.

Yours Publishy


p.s. Please don’t feel a obliged but the book is on AMAZON as an ebook, paperback to follow shortly. C x


QUIRILI-ANUS!  My dear ladies and occasional gentleman.

It was our parish CAROL SERVICE, 9 lessons and carols in our beautiful village church last Sunday.

I was sitting in a pew with PCSO Claire and her sister. Lovely young ladies. I had noticed something wasn’t quite right but couldn’t put my finger on it until halfway through the THIRD CAROL, when I realised they were singing a completely different CAROL.

They had been given LAST YEARS order of service.

This year I was reading lesson 6, which had in it the unfortunate name of QUIRINIUS.

I said to them ” I have a tricky name in my reading, QUIRILI-ANUS.” Needless to say once the SPOONERISM had left my lips and hit their ears they were a bundle of giggling girlies.

Imagine my perturbation as I stood in the pulpit  and looked out at the congregation.

Merry Christmas

Yours Merrily



MOOOOOO! MOOOOOO! ACROPHOBIA. (Translated) HELP! HELP! ACROPHOBIA. My dear ladies and occasional gentleman this was the cry we heard (in BOVINE language) from the field next to our garden.

This chap had decided to CLIMB up on top of the hedge. Once up there he decided he didn’t like it and wanted to come down. 

So typical of a man, it takes all that effort to get up and only minutes to come down.

His FRIENDS tried to encourage him down but after managing to turn around he had frozen.

But don’t worry folks, like DOCTOR DOOLITTLE I can talk to the animals. 

Using my SPECIAL COW TALK (Ronald often remarks on my similarity) I was able to COAX the poor animal down.

Yours Bullocky