IT DOESN’T WORK! Asserted Ronald when I asked him to make sure he had his MOBILE PHONE with him and that he would answer me when I phoned him to pick me up from the HAIRDRESSERS.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman I asked this because he never answers his mobile and I have to try and catch him on the house phone.
“It doesn’t work” says Ronald.
“OK I’ll ring you now and you can show me IT DOESN’T WORK” I reply.
I ring him and he jabs away at the screen as if he’s trying to drill a hole in it and shouts triumphantly “see IT DOESN’T WORK!”
I lean over and swipe the screen, “it’s working now”.
He’s only had the phone since LAST CHRISTMAS!
GETTING THE GOAT
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, RONALD was completely oblivious of his STRANGE ATTRACTION for PYGMY GOATS!
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman last night I awoke to Ronald A FURTLING IN THE LADYGARDEN.
It was 2.00 am and he’d let Hirsute Roley out for an EMERGENCY WEE, unfortunately he then wandered off for a SNUFFLE and Ronald A FURTLING in the bushes couldn’t locate him in the DARK.
He then stood up and decided to enjoy the wonders of the NIGHT SKY.
P.S. Thank you to all you dear ladies and occasional gentleman who have bought my book ‘CELIA LADYGARDEN AND THE CURIOUS CURIOSITY’ written by my dear little ghostwriter friend Glenda Barnett, available on Amazon.com
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, Hirsute Roley is in recovery.
This morning he insisted on walking down one of his favourite lanes and stopping at the little bridge across a stream. Suddenly he STOPPED DEAD, one little paw raised like a QUESTION MARK in the air, then he bravely crept around the bridge towards the water.
Stopping again in FEAR AND TERROR trembling, as a GIANT TROLL came out from under the bridge with a BIG STICK.
I scooped him up as a second GIANT TROLL came out from the other end of the bridge.
The to the rescue came the POSTMAN in his van and Hirsute Roley rallied as the post van slowed and a small meaty biscuit dropped into his mouth.
Who knew that the WATER WAYS employed GIANT TROLLS to clear underneath BRIDGES.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, one of my lovely daughters gave me an AMAZON ECHO for Mother’s Day. Although I am not a one for gadgets, this one is rather marvelous. ‘ALEXA’ is very compliant unlike the STRIDENT notes of our last SAT-NAV, although the current one is far more PLEASANT.
ALEXA did turn herself on accidentally when we were watching a documentary about ALEXANDER THE GREAT but apart from that no problems. Until TODAY.
Little Hirsute Roley is a bit of a TALKER which is LOVELY and AMUSING and it is part of his many TALENTS that we love.
Hirsute Roley had come in from the garden, started TALKING and managed to TURN ON ALEXA!
His chosen music was ELTON JOHN singing TINY DANCER.
Now we know why ALEXA is on and MUSIC is PLAYING when we return from shopping. CANINE CONTROL.
The FACE of INNOCENCE.
POPPY SEEDS IN THE LADYGARDEN! You may well ask my dear ladies and occasional gentleman.
A dear friend of mine asked me to make up the numbers in her soap workshop, ‘lovely’ you might think and you’d be right. I partnered a lovely young woman who chose lemon and lime essence, honey and POPPY SEEDS for our soap, here is a picture.
It smells DEVINE , looks a little ODD but heigh-ho it has all NATURAL ingredients and I know what’s in it.
In the shower I was surrounded by relaxing aromas and I started to rub the soap over my skin which felt like being rubbed by a ROUGH LIZARD
Once dressed and going about my business I was aware of a NOT unpleasant SENSATION in my LADYGARDEN. A couple of hours later I felt something SLIDE and BUMP down my leg escaping out the BOTTOM of my trouser leg and bouncing off my shoe. It was POPPY SEEDS.
WARNING! ALWAYS ENSURE A THOROUGH RINSE OF THE LADYGARDEN WHEN USING IMPREGNATED SOAP!
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman I am sure you will understand my feelings if you too have a husband, wife, partner or child with this ABILITY.
If I am watching a PROGRAMME or FILM that Ronald is NOT interested in he either reads his book, which is great or he will wander about, which is not.
When you have watched intently for the past 45 minutes and just at the point where the MURDERER/LOVER/PLOT whatever is being revealed, this happens.
“It’s really windy out there.” Or, “Hirsute Roley enjoyed his walk today she did a POO.” Or ” Want a cup of tea love?” Or
“Should I put sweet potato in my ratatouille tomorrow?”
All said whilst stood in front of the television!
p.s. Book available as e-book or paperback from