My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, whilst writing to you I am also waiting for a call regarding number two DAUGHTER’s AUDI. Also I will admit to you that I am a sipping of a fruity little SAUVIGNON BLANC and it is only 3.20 in the afternoon.

In my defence I have had a FRAGGLED day so far. It started last Tuesday, yes I know what you are thinking that is a long day. My daughter Morello had travelled down as her car needed some work for the MOT. On the way she stopped for petrol and as it was sunny put her ROOF down. As the ROOF went down there was a loud POP and her back window smashed, which was pretty scary.

She had to return to work taking my precious FIAT 500 CONVERTABLE. So this morning Ronald and I had to take broken vehicle to the AUDI garage in the city about an hours drive away on a large INDUSTRIAL PARK. So I strapped little hirsute Roley into the front seat of Ronald’s BMW which I was driving and he was to follow me in the AUDI as I had the SATNAV.

That is where it all went wrong the SATNAV, you see she is Ronald’s OTHER WOMAN! Ever since he has had that bitch she has had it in for me. Oh dear I am so sorry, I apologise for the language but she really ‘GETS MY GOAT!’

I programmed in the address and off we went. What was SHE doing? Well I don’t know because her screen was BLACK ! However she did take every opportunity to shout instructions at me!

Ignoring YOU KNOW WHO, it was as I was approaching the city centre that I needed a little help. I was coming up to a right turn which I knew I had to take but MISS STROPPY KNICKERS was completely silent so I carried on then………… RECALCULATING! RECALCULATING! The b…chI

I made a left turn in order to turn around and head back, I pulled into a small turning and turned out to go back, Ronald pulled up tight behind me. I pulled out and up to the TRAFFIC LIGHTS and realised that Ronald wasn’t behind me. He had got out of the car to ask me where we were going and had to jump back in because I pulled away.

The traffic lights were RED so I waited for him, then they changed to GREEN and a van pulled up behind me, I pretended to STALL until they went red again and Ronald had caught up.

When I arrived at the left turning I wanted , NO LEFT TURN, so I drove onto a garage where I could turn again. I pulled back out into the road not realising AGAIN that Ronald had got out to chat about directions, too late. He had to jump into the Audie and follow as best he could.

Madam wasn’t saying very much and didn’t say anything, when I saw the sign for the industrial estate, so I turned anyway because I knew that the AUDI GARAGE was somewhere there.

SATNAV continued to give me SARCASTIC INSTRUCTIONS which I ignored and eventually in this HUMUNGOUS ESTATE I found the right place.

I have decided that the SATNAV WOMAN is the sister of the woman in my FIAT who also has a STROPPY attitude. Why are these women like this, do men programme them specifically to annoy?

Yours Peevishly




Today my dear ladies and occasional gentlemen I set forth with my dear friend Veronica. First we visited the beautiful ROSEMOOR GARDENS in Great Torrington, Devon. In the car-park As I alighted from my little FIAT the gentleman about to get in the car next door, said to me “I LIKE YOUR ZIPS”.

It is obviously my ANIMAL MAGNETISM that attracts these men, I just wish they were 30 years you her But how was I expected to respond to a comment like that?

At ROSEMOOR an ANTIQUES FAYRE was on offer and we had a delightful hour perusing and admiring the lovely items on offer.

Now I did make a purchase a BIRTHDAY PRESENT for my dear daughter Morello but please don’t let on as it is a secret for the moment, how exciting.

My other two purchases were also presents, so for the time being they are HUSH-HUSH too. Please do remind me at some time in the future to tell you what the items were.

We left and drove to a BOOT-FAIR where Veronica’s FORAGING skills came to the fore. My word she is a sight to behold, her eyes like LASER-BEAMS darting here there and everywhere, seeking out the HIDDEN TREASURES.

She spotted a charming 1950’s CREAM BATHROOM CABINET WITH GILT KNOBS and a rustic set of corner shelves, perfect for displaying her wares.
We discussed their suitability and the price which was very reasonable but it is always fun to do a bit of BARGAINING. Veronica was a little intimidated by the stall holder but she set her shoulders back and made an offer.

The stall holder swung his impressive grey platt saying “it’s a fair price” Veronica sensibly stayed silent and waited but with an inner tremble, then,
“OK deal” said grey platt.

I was able to prove to Veronica that my little FIAT has a boot like THE TARDIS, able to take both the shelves and the cabinet. Veronica thinks she now has everything to make her stall look perfect.

We are hoping to have a DRY-RUN and set the stall up in her kitchen, perhaps take some photos and see if it all works. I may give you a sneaky- peep.

Yours Secretly


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