WHY? WHY? WHY my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, when you try and PULL on your skinny JEGGINGS your foot ALWAYS I repeat ALWAYS gets WEDGED crossways?
SUMMER NIPPLE ALERT? Well you may ask my dear ladies and occasional gentleman.
It’s SUMMER and we are all wearing our SUMMER JEWELLERY.
The lovely silver BRACELET in the picture, nearly SLICED my NIPPLE off whilst I was sleeping!
REMEMBER TO REMOVE BEFORE BEDTIME!
A HEN DO A’ DO NOT A COCK A’ DOODLE DO.
Yes my dear ladies and occasional gentleman a first for me the modern ‘Hen Do’. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I was very pleased to be asked by the BRIDE TO BE a very charming young lady called Minoa.
We gathered in her mothers house a mix of LONG-LEGGED young ladies, beautifully dressed balancing on spindly heels and a few mature ladies in flip flops and sandals.
The bride was crowned with a TIARA and VEIL with the most unusual patterned lace TWO ROUND buildings either side of a TALL one and then was given a similar shaped sceptre in lurid pink to match.
Pinning on our hen badges we mounted the MINI BUS, much to the drivers consternation.The very organized M.O.T.B. asked a round of riddles, what larks. After my 3rd miniature bottle of something that tasted of FRUITY COUGH MIXTURE with VODKA. I realised that there was a penalty for not only getting the answer wrong but getting it right as well!
It was a bouncy ride between the various PUBLIC HOUSES, drinking SEX ON THE BEACH dished out from a large THERMOS FLASK in the middle of the aisle.
A delightful young lady called Emilia a fellow gin drinker told me her breasts were kept in place with sticky tape to avoid unseemly BRASSIERE straps. (Handy tip)
We played some intimate and hilarious games with balloons, here is a picture of the bride.
It was a fun packed 8 HOURS and I discovered that with the odd PIT STOP for sustenance I can consume a rather large amount of GIN and stay upright. Although I wouldn’t want to do it every week.
Dear Minoa assured me that even though her and her fiancé were living together they had SEPARATE bedrooms until after their marriage.
I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. After all, you wouldn’t buy a TOOL before checking out its suitability for the job!
Yours Hen Peckedily
COTTON GUSSETS? I hear you ask dear ladies and occasional gentleman.
The definition of a COTTON GUSSET is a piece of material used to REINFORCE or ENLARGE A garment.
GUSSETS are very important and I employ all of you dear ladies now that SPRING has finally SPRUNG and the weather is warmer.
Only wear KNICKERS with a COTTON GUSSET, you will never regret it.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, what a day.
My dear friend her Maj is 90 years old today
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR QUEEN ELIZABETH.
I must say she looked a picture. What fun we had shopping for her BIRTHDAY FROCK.
I must be DISCREET and LOYAL so I can’t give too many secrets away but I’m glad she took my advice.
Just lets say we enjoyed a few giggles and COCKTAILS.
Sadly I couldn’t make it to WINDSOR today but dear HER MAJ quite understood and we’re having a little get together in the summer.
Ronald bless him decided to LIGHT the new WOODBURNER in celebration as a BEACON.
HIP HIP HOORAY for dear HER MAJ.
P.S. The wonderful TORRINGTON CAVALIERS are lighting a beacon TONIGHT on the COMMON. What loyal subjects they are.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, last Wednesday I had a DAME EDNA EVERIDGE moment.
I was choosing a new pair of glasses, “OH DEAR!” I hear some of you cry, remembering my last MARATHON attempt.
Ronald had gone walkabout as his shopping endurance levels had been depleted after visiting ONE SHOP to change a pair of TROUSERS he had bought with BUTTONS instead of a ZIP (don’t ask).
Faced with a confusing array of designs at the BUY ONE GET A SPARE PAIR FREE section, I was drawn inexplicably to this pair.
I slid them on and they fitted perfectly hmmm I thought very 60’s and a bit Dame Edna, I took them off and found a rather smart GREEN AND TORTOISESHELL pair that were light and fitted, perfect for reading glasses.
Just then Ronald appeared, “All done?” He asked hopefully.
“What do you think of these?” I asked slipping on the DAME EDNA’s
After he stopped laughing he said ” they are perfect.”
I’m not sure if I really liked them or if I chose them in a FIT OF PIQUE.
I pick them up Friday, if it’s a FULL MOON and the GODS allowing.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, we are well into our pantomime rehearsals and it is going well and definitely coming together. The cast have cast aside their scripts and are beginning to act onstage as well as off.
Here is a picture of the last maid’s apron I have just finished and a smoking cap made out of a waistcoat. The cap is awaiting a large tassel, not easy to find are they ladies? I need to get my dear friend Veronica the famous forager to seek one out, she has a thing about tassels.
SARTORIAL ELEGANCE OR PRACTICALITY? My dear ladies and occasional gentleman how MILD it is. Here we are on the 16th of December and our temperatures are in double figures, the summer FLOWERS are still BLOOMING, the BULBS are coming up and Ronald is still wearing pale LINEN trousers and CANVAS shoes.
But really are they practical attire or footwear for walking hirsute Roley? After all we have received a goodly amount of rain.
As you can see I have chosen traditional PROTECTION as my mother drummed into me “never rely on a man for PROTECTION!”
How impressive Ronald is striding along SARTORIALY ELEGANT through MUD and S..T.
We even saw our first BABY LAMB, how exciting.
On our return Hirsute Roley, slipped his ELF SLIPPERS on and cuddled up.
MANAGER OF PYJAMAS
Yes my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, there is such a thing.
Overheard whilst I was divesting myself of my clothing and wishing I hadn’t worn tight DENIM JEGGINGS which were now around my ankles like two TOURNIQUETS. Beginning to panic as I failed to remove the things and wishing I had used a disabled changing room with a seat. And yes I was in a changing room, not STRIPPING OFF in the middle of the store, when I overhead a telephone conversation between a customer and a staff member.
“Just hold on a moment and I will fetch the MANAGER OF NIGHTWEAR”
“Hello, I’m the MANAGER OF NIGHTWEAR how can I help you?”
“I’m very sorry, I can’t answer your question, you need the MANAGER OF PYJAMAS.”
Who knew this was a career option?