SOMETHING FISHY IN THE LADYGARDEN!

SOMETHING FISHY IN THE LADYGARDEN! Yes my dear ladies and occasional gentleman I must confess to there being something fishy in the LADYGARDEN.

But WHERE was it and more importantly WHAT was it?

I first noticed it in the kitchen and after following the SCENT like a BLOODHOUND, I realised I had to VENTURE further. Into the UTILITY room.

It had a distinctly FISHY AROMA which stopped me DEAD!

Was I FOLLOWING the SCENT or was the SCENT FOLLOWING me?

Oh the RELIEF when I spotted the CULPRITS.

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Oh the things you do for your GRANDCHILDREN.

These CACOTOPIA CANCRIFORMS have been removed from the premises!

Yours Carcinologyly

Celia

GETTING TO GRIPS WITH SEAMEN

GETTING TO GRIPS WITH SEAMEN.

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My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, one of the HIGHLIGHTS of our WELSH adventure was a BOAT TRIP to CALDEY ISLAND. The island is home to CISTERCIAN MONKS who delightfully make PERFUME & CHOCOLATE. What more could a LADY want.
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Or a gentleman, Ronald was rather taken with ‘CALDEY FOR ,MEN’ I’m only hoping he doesn’t take to wearing a WHITE ROBE and SHAVING the top of his head!

The boat trip was great FUN especially getting IN and OUT with SEAMEN, what a SALTY FIRM GRIP!

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Yours Seafaringly

Celia

SEASONAL VIP SPENDS R & R AMONGST THE ROSES

SEASONAL VIP SPENDS R & R AMONGST THE ROSES

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, my dear friend Veronica and I visited RHS ROSEMOOR’S ROSE WEEKEND.

The weather was glorious as we were WAFTED by the FRAGRANT ROSES as we SAT and SIPPED a glass of ‘EL MURO’ 2012 MACABEO.

Now I’m not saying it was the WINE but as we sat on the patio and looked out over the VERDANT and FLORAL gardens, a MOBILITY scooter trundled along. Sitting ASTRIDE in a JAUNTY fashion was a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON who you only generally see on the night of the 24th of December.

He was INCOGNITO and wearing ‘NORMAL’ clothes but there was no mistaking the FLOWING WHITE HAIR AND BEARD.

I’m not DOBBING him in.

It’s nice to think he spends a little R & R amongst the ROSES in his downtime.

Yours Secretly

Celia

FOUR FRUITY STICKS BARE ALL !

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I responded to a GREAT DEAL l I saw online: ‘4 DWARF FRUIT TREES THREE APPLE & ONE PEAR FOR £19.99 FREE POSTAGE’.  How could I resist, I had all ready purchased a little PEAR TREE locally and thought these would be ideal to  assist me in creating a little ORCHARD in my FRONT GARDEN.

This is my FIRST PURCHASE:

 

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These are my ONLINE PURCHASE: imageimage

According to Ronald I have bought FOUR STICKS!

When we arose this morning, Ronald said ” I’m off to pick some fruit for breakfast”

There may be quite a lot of LADYGARDEN BREAKFASTS before Eve can pick Adam an apple!

Yours Fruitily

Celia

P.S. Apologies for presentation, wordpress decided to do it’s own thing. It’s been a rough couple of days. I received an OUTSTANDING BILL for £400 for my deceased mother, a purchaser of my online auction item of ‘a child’s vintage pram for RESTORATION’ for which they paid £7.99 decided it wasn’t MUSEUM quality and complained and I bought 4 sticks!

TOILET, TOOTHBRUSH & TESTINESS!

    TOILET, TOOTHBRUSH & TESTINESS!
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    “You don’t want to go to the TOILET before you go to bed do you” says Ronald last night waving a TOOTHBRUSH at me. “Only I’ve BLEACHED the toilet seat.”

    Firstly HE NEVER CLEANS THE TOILET!

    Secondly OF COURSE I NEED THE BL…Y TOILET BEFORE I GO TO BED!

    My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I am not a vindictive woman but…..

    Today I bought an ELECTRIC DOG HAIR CLIPPERS. Obviously I needed to TEST it out before I used it on dear little Roley so……

    I sat Ronald down in the garden and TESTED it out.

    Ronald now RESEMBLES A TOOTHBRUSH!

    Yours Satisfiedly

    Celia

SUAVE STRAW HATS & PRIMPING DUCKS!

SUAVE STRAW HATS & PRIMPING DUCKS!
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Having been invited to a GARDEN PARTY Ronald and I were PRIMPING ourselves up for the event. Ronald looked smart but casual in a linen shirt and chinos, topped off with a rather SUAVE STRAW HAT.

I wore a new beautifully patterned skirt in different shades of BLUEand a dark blue T with a sheer white shirt over.

Having spent time on my MAKE-UP and especially my HAIR I was ready and presented myself to Ronald for his APPRAISAL.

“Hmmm” said Ronald “I should try going through THE HEDGE FRONTWARDS next time”

As if that wasn’t enough to DENT my EGO, whilst enjoying my first glass of RHINELAND HOCK and a CHIT-CHAT, a guest informed me that MINE HOSTS had named not a ROSE but a duck after me!

Yours Afrontedly

Celia

WARNING! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

WARNING! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!
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My dear ladies and occasional gentleman please heed this WARNING for your own SAFETY. I have been suffering for the last two weeks with CATARRHH, I now know how the VIKINGS felt with their STEEL HELMETS because I am wearing one.

Having searched online for a remedy I found one that I tried this morning. The recommendation was to put some DECONGESTANT VAPOUR RUB on the floor of the shower and the hot water would send the fumes nose-ward, clearing ones head. Great idea, being clever I thought it would be easier to smear a lump on my foot and then when I was in the shower I spread it over the floor. Mmm I could smell it already.

This is when it all went WRONG! You could have used my shower floor to host the ICE-DANCING CHAMPIONSHIPS. Barely managing to stay on my feet I managed by doing the splits to WEDGE each foot painfully against the two sides and clinging on to the shower itself keep upright. From this PERILOUS position My next bad idea was to wash my hair thinking that the foam would wash the vapour rub away forgetting that I still had a wedge of the stuff on the one hand I could use. It certainly dissolved, running down my face and into my eyes, IT STUNG!

Trying to shave my legs when they were stretched as far as they could without SPLITTING MY DIFFERENCE was hit and miss. I’d had enough but how to get out? If I let go of the shower workings I’d slip faster than a JELLIED EEL! The only thing for it was to crawl out on hands and knees.

This was NOT a relaxing shower and I had to clean the stuff off the floor afterwards.

So please don’t try this REMEDY but if any of you have a SAFE REMEDY FOR CATARRHH please share it with me.

Yours Bunged-up-edly

Celia

CHEEKY YOUNG MEN WITH HAIR!

CHEEKY YOUNG MEN WITH HAIR!
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Yesterday my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, myself and Veronica were on our way back from a busy ‘HOGWASH’ day CRAFT FAYRE, when we INADVERTANTLY stopped at the PUB. It seemed churlish not to enter and partake of a little RESTORATIVE WINE, so we did.

The POLITE young man with the HAIR behind the bar (I think he may have been a reject from OME DIRECTION) requested our drinks. Veronica in as FAST AS A FERRET asked for a DRY WHITE WINE SPRITZER, this was duly served to her. Turning to me he asked “and what would you like?”
“A glass of SAUVIGNON BLANC” I replied.
“Would you like the bottle with a straw in?” He asked.
Quite frankly I was shocked, what is a lady to think? Did I look like some kind of ‘ALCY?” Why me and not Veronica?
“How very dare you, what are you implying?” I asked.
He just laughed and said “I guess that’s just a medium then.

I think it may be all that HAIR, it ADDLES the brain, it’s not all that good for a young man even if it is only on the very top of the head. After all remember the HIPPIES?

Yours Affrontedly

Celia.

UP UP & AWAY BALLOON TECHNIQUES

 

UP UP & AWAY BALLOON TECHNIQUES

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman the other evening I went for a walk with my dear friend Gloria. “We need to be back in time to go to the playing field for the BALLOON to go up”  enthused Gloria. Well to say I was taken aback would be an understatement!  I know that there is an inordinate amount of TURMOIL in the WORLD  and it is the anniversary  of THE GREAT WAR, WW1 but really what could be occurring of such magnitude on the VILLAGE PLAYING FIELD? As we made our way to the field there was a WHOOSH of HOT AIR, and NO  my dear ladies and occasional gentleman,  it was not ME! imageThis was the CULPRIT.

 

Not something you expect to see on a TUESDAY evening. It was very exciting and there was quite a TECHNIQUE to getting it UP IN THE AIR. imageWe sat on a bench enjoying the GLORIOUS evening sunshine, when Gloria said “wouldn’t it be pleasant to have a glass of wine while we sit here and watch”? Now I am not generally known for my speed but before you could say “UP UP & AWAY” I had nipped home and brought back two GLASSES and a bottle of SAUVIGNON BLANC. We had barely taken a sip, when my dear friend Titania (I hesitate to say any whiff of alcohol and she’s there) joined us on our bench. Nobody can say that Celia LADYGARDEN  is selfish, I immediately topped up our glasses and handed Titania the BOTTLE, from which she proceeded to drink from in a ladylike manner.

Unfortunately whilst researching information regarding BALLOON TECHNIQUES I discovered rather shockingly that it had another meaning! So if any gentlemen seeking information regarding their ‘LITTLE SOLDIER’ found my little ‘BLISS’ by mistake, I apologise.

Yours Blushingly
Celia.

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