WOMAN NEARLY STRANGLED IN FREAK FOREST FALL

Dear ladies and occasional gentleman, this was NEARLY the HEADLINE in our local paper after I had a SPECTACULAR FALL in the FOREST.


Ronald and I were on our way back through the FOREST with our two HAIRY little DOGS

When I suddenly found myself FLYING through the air and FACE-PLANTING down on the FOREST floor.

A SOFT landing you might think and yes it was except my KNEES landed on a HANDY THICK BRANCH that was laying across the pathway.

Ronald had a slight PANIC and SLID his arm UNDER my NECK and tried to LIFT me up half STRANGLING ME  in the process.

I DID NOT WANT TO MOVE! 

I wanted to lay there and assess the  DAMAGE,  which was difficult when someone is trying to HOICK you up by your NECK!

LEAVE ME! JUST LEAVE ME A MINUTE! I was trying to shout but it was only when hirsute Roley intervened did Ronald RELEASE my NECK.

That was THREE WEEKS AGO and my KNEES are still BLACK,  BLUE, PURPLE.

FUNNILY enough RONALD has a few BLACK and BLUE BRUISES too.

Yours Sorely

Celia

PUDDING CLUB

PUDDING CLUB my dear ladies and occasional gentleman?

Yes I’m in, a whole evening of EATING nothing but PUDDINGS and drinking WINE.

I’m off to make a HOT CROSS BUN bread pudding.

Might I have acquired a PUDDING addiction?

BACKPACKS!

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, why are so many people wearing BACKPACKS?

My AMERICAN friends, I salute your Dick Kelty the INNOVATOR of the BACKPACK.

BUT and it’s a BIG BUT he invented it for people who go HIKING or CAMPING – NOT for short BUS rides to PORTOFINO!

A SLIGHT young man, back bent backwards by the weight of his BACKPACK and his companion was standing on our crowded bus from the train station to PORTOFINO. Every time he turned to look at the beautiful scenery out of the window he TOOK THREE PEOPLE OUT.

A FEISTY Italian lady who was in danger of missing her stop had to resort to the traditional method of a SHARP BLOW to the back of the KNEES; bringing him down on his back like an UPENDED TURTLE.

I lost COUNT of the number of TIMES I was BIFFED, BASHED or SQUISHED by the DAMN THINGS. WHAT the HECK is in the FISHING things?

Even on the PLANE, it’s a STRUGGLE to fit my SLIM SUITCASE in the OVERHEAD locker with the BULGING, MULTI POCKET, METAL TUBED, PADDED STRAPPED BACKPACK.

WHO NEEDS a BACKPACK when wandering the beautiful City of GENOA, or meandering along the SEAFRONT of PORTOFINO.

I mean one is never further than a couple of feet from WATER, FOOD, ALCOHOL or a DEFIBRILLATOR these days.

A BACKPACK is APPROPRIATE for HIKING, CAMPING or EXPLORING in the WILD.

If you need a bag, why not a SHOULDER BAG suitable for EVERYONE.

When you are about to leave the house with HALF the HOUSE, ASK YOURSELF…….DO I NEED THIS LETHAL WEAPON ON MY BACK?

Yours Grumpily

Celia

 

P.S. ‘Celia Finds An Angel’

Available on http://www.amazon.com/dp/B07G68SX6J

or (UK) http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07G68SX6J

SUMMER NIPPLE ALERT!

SUMMER NIPPLE ALERT? Well you may ask my dear ladies and occasional gentleman.

It’s SUMMER and we are all wearing our SUMMER JEWELLERY.

The lovely silver BRACELET in the picture, nearly SLICED my NIPPLE off whilst I was sleeping!

REMEMBER TO REMOVE BEFORE BEDTIME!

Yours Nippley

Celia

CELIA & VERONICA ON THE ROAD TO MARRAKECH

CELIA & VERONICA ON THE ROAD TO MARRAKECH. Yes my dear ladies and occasional gentleman my dear friend Veronica and I are off on an ADVENTURE to MARRAKECH.

Why? You may ask. Well we are FLYING there for a BIRTHDAY PARTY for one of our fellow FANNYS. We are so HOLLYWOOD!

I’m hoping for a new MOROCCAN CARPET for the sitting room. My thinking is I could get a lovely one in EXCHANGE for my dear friend VERONICA, who is a BLONDE-HAIRED, BLUE-EYED, CURVACIOUS LADY.

image

After all who wants a camel?

Yours Exotically

Celia

p.s. Come to think of it there is a resemblance. I think it’s the smile.

FRUSTRATION

FRUSTRATION! Dear ladies and the occasional gentleman, is it just me or do you also get FRUSTRATED?

I HATE going to the DOCTORS and will avoid it at all costs but sometimes it is inevitable. I GIRDED MY LOINS and rang to make an appointment, this is how it went.

“Doctors surgery, xxxxxxx here how can I help you?”
“I would like to make an appointment to see Dr xxxxxx”
“Dr xxxx is in today but I cannot make you an appointment”
” Is she in tomorrow?”
“Yes”
“Can I make an appointment please”
” No”
“Oh why is that?”
“You need to ring at 8.00am tomorrow and try to book one of the available slots”
“Can’t I make the appointment now?”
“No, you need to ring in the morning”

The next morning I duly rang at 8.00am. Unfortunately the WHOLE WORLD & HIS WIFE was also ringing to make one of the ELUSIVE available slots.

Is it just me or do you also experience the FRUSTRATION of trying to see a DOCTOR?

Yours Frustratedly

Celia

THE FASTEST ERECTION IS POETRY IN MOTION

THE FASTEST ERECTION IS POETRY IN MOTION, my dear ladies and occasional gentleman.My friends and I are organising a VINTAGE style FETE and CRAFT FAYRE. The big EVENT is tomorrow!

The lovely gentlemen from THE GREAT TORRINGTON CAVELIERS arrived last evening and like POETRY IN MOTION performed the FASTEST ERECTION it has been my honour to witness.
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Here they are in ACTION.

Yours Fetely

Celia

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