My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, much as it pains me to discuss such an intimate and distasteful matter, I feel compelled to in order to prevent you suffering the same distress I experienced last night.

Here is the CULPRIT!

This may just look like innocent REINDEER decorated toilet paper BUT if you look closely you will see that the decoration colour is BROWN!


10 minutes of scrubbing and a CHAFFENED DERRIÈRE last night, before I realised it WASN’T ME!

Yours Chaffingly





My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, one of the HIGHLIGHTS of our WELSH adventure was a BOAT TRIP to CALDEY ISLAND. The island is home to CISTERCIAN MONKS who delightfully make PERFUME & CHOCOLATE. What more could a LADY want.
Or a gentleman, Ronald was rather taken with ‘CALDEY FOR ,MEN’ I’m only hoping he doesn’t take to wearing a WHITE ROBE and SHAVING the top of his head!

The boat trip was great FUN especially getting IN and OUT with SEAMEN, what a SALTY FIRM GRIP!


Yours Seafaringly



imageimageWOOLY DILEMMA, CRUTCHING & GOOD PARENTING. No. 30 was wandering about on his WOBBLY new legs listening and looking for his mother. His brother had given up and was curled in a FETAL heap. In a field full of EWES it is confusing as to EWE your mother is; approaching the wrong one can result in a HEAD-BUTTING!

Their mother Mrs 30 did not appear to have maternal instincts. She was more interested in re-instating her SVELTE figure and lovely white WOOLY glossy coat. It had taken months for the RADDLE to wash out in the rain, I mean who wants to go around with a big PURPLE BLOB on your bum.

Whatever happened in that LAMBING SHED was staying in that LAMBING SHED. She couldn’t wait for her CRUTCHING (the human equivalent of BACK, SACK AND CRACK), the DAGS-WOOL was a humiliation too far. Then a nice relaxing FOOT-BATH, aaah she could feel that warm water gently swirling around her feet – “OH BUGGER! I’ve just wet myself”

Her son was trying to blend in with lambs 28 whose mother was constantly calling and checking on her OFFSPRING. Surely this MOTHERLY EWE with the cuddly body and the smell of warm milk must be his mother too.

He was a bit confused by the world. One minute he was curled up with his brother in a warm dark place the next he was SQUEEZED out into the cold. When before EWE could say ‘HELLO WORLD’ someone had slipped a rubber band over his BOY-BITS and tail and stamped no. 28 on him!

Mrs 30 gently pushed him in the direction of his own mother who was gaily sashaying across the grass as if she was in a MISS WOOL competition in the SWIMSUIT SECTION, without a care in the world.

The maternal ewes were RUMINATING and discussing Mrs 30.

“She’s never been the same since she was in that CHANNEL 4 documentary ‘THE ONLY WAY IS WOOLY’ said one young matron.

“EWER only jealous Jenny, it’s not an attractive trait”

“I think we should call in SOCIAL SERVICES it’s heartbreaking the way she is ignoring her babies”.

“Ewe shouldn’t be so quick to judge, ewe were a young mum once”

“Doris is right dear, ewe should be helping her, after all you are the oldest.”

“How very dare EWE I don’t think I am”

“Teeth don’t lie and ewers stick out like ALAN CARRS”

“Ok ladies let’s not get personal, I think if wool check our teeth, we bah more or less the same age”

“WOOL EWE all stop PUSSY-FOOTING AROUND and let’s tell her to MAN-UP, I’ve already got two HUNGRY HORRORS dragging my TITS to my knees. I am NOT taking on hers!

“BEYONCE’s right, EWE-ALL go around her in a circle collecting her babies on the way and we’ll help her be a good mum. BEYONCÉ can be our ‘THIS IS ONE I MADE EARLIER’ example”

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I know they are not my responsibility but I cannot help but keep an eye on the sheep and new baby lambs in the field outside my sitting-room window.

It is a constant worry when the lambs get separated from their mothers and this is why I cannot possibly do any house-work or cooking at present. As I have to sit around eating CHOCOLATE and drinking a lovely cup of TWININGS EVERYDAY TEA whilst I keep watch. Sorry Ronald.

Yours Sheepishly



At our Mothers Union Kindle Group Meeting we all had to bring and share food. My dear friend Veronica had been on a course about foraging and I thought “why don’t I be really daring and try foraging myself”

So instead of popping into WAITROSE, Ronald took me to Blenheim Palace’s FARMERS MARKET. It was so exciting, I bought FILOImage baskets filled with KAROO COTSWOLD LAMB CURRY, PORTABELLO MUSHROOM ROULADE and a MOIST CHOCOLATE BISCOTTI & NUTELLA CAKE but I don’t like the word moist it has smutty connotations, so I called it slightly damp.

Although I can hardly bear to let the name past my lips, in my next blog I will tell you all about Valerie!

Yours Foragingly



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