My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, there have been a SERIES of UNFORTUNATE EVENTS.

We were looking after our son’s dogs when UNFORTUNATELY the puppy JUMPED Ronald’s BARRIER of ladders on top of the garden wall and LEAPT into the field with the BULLOCKS.

 I slipped on my WELLINGTONS whilst YELLING at Ronald (who was in bed drinking tea) and made my way in my DRESSING GOWN along the road and down the lane. 

I thought RONALD was following me to the FIELD-GATE but I heard a COMMOTION and Roley barking in distress.

Ronald had decided in his WISDOM to follow the dog and JUMP over into the field.

UNFORTUNATELY as he LEAPT he caught his leg on the BARBED WIRE fence, to steady himself he REACHED and GRABBED the LADDER  which then LANDED ON TOP of him.

FORTUNATELY the weight of it disengaged his leg from the BARBED WIRE.

UNFORTUNATELY he fell into a VAST pile of COW SHIT.

FORTUNATELY it was a soft landing.

UNFORTUNATELY he received numerous PUNCTURES, CUTS bruises and a possible BROKEN RIB.

FORTUNATELY the dog came to me and slid under the field-gate.

The MORAL of the story THINK before you LEAP.

Yours Fortunately



MOOOOOO! MOOOOOO! ACROPHOBIA. (Translated) HELP! HELP! ACROPHOBIA. My dear ladies and occasional gentleman this was the cry we heard (in BOVINE language) from the field next to our garden.

This chap had decided to CLIMB up on top of the hedge. Once up there he decided he didn’t like it and wanted to come down. 

So typical of a man, it takes all that effort to get up and only minutes to come down.

His FRIENDS tried to encourage him down but after managing to turn around he had frozen.

But don’t worry folks, like DOCTOR DOOLITTLE I can talk to the animals. 

Using my SPECIAL COW TALK (Ronald often remarks on my similarity) I was able to COAX the poor animal down.

Yours Bullocky




BULLOCKS! Gloria and I set off for an evening walk with Roley trotting alongside. How we wished we had taken our foraging baskets with us as the profusion of ripe SUCCULANT BLACKBERRIES tempted us along our way.

All was well as we dallied along the country lanes admiring the CORN on the cob AS HIGH AS AN ELEPHANTS EYE and ROSY ROSEHIPS RESTING in the hedgerow. Until after a long straight run with no gateways we turned the corner and spied a BAND OF BREAKAWAY BULLOCKS.

Roley froze on the spot, we copied his example, then turned slowly so as not to call attention walked slowly back around the corner; then ran like hell for the nearest gateway.

Clambering up the gate in as ladylike manner as possible, triumph as I straddled the top then tragedy as I toppled off into an undignified heap on the ground; wishing I had not gone COMMANDO under my dirndl skirt as a large CORN ON THE COB thrust it’s way between my legs. OUCH!

So now we are stuck in a cornfield without a mobile phone signal; resourceful Gloria climbed to the top of the gate to gain height and hopefully a signal but no luck.

20 Minutes later under a darkening sky and after hearing bucolic shouting and mooing noises we decided it was safe to proceed using Roley as our COW-DETECTER.

Arrived home under the stars to find that Ronald hadn’t even noticed I wasn’t home!

Yours Humpily


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