My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, as a LADY of a CERTAIN AGE with a BIRTHDAY on the HORIZON, I was a little DISCONCERTED when my DELIGHTFUL granddaughter whilst assisting me in preparing dinner by SCRAPING the CARROTS, declared.

“I’m not scraping this CARROT it’s an OAP! It’s got WRINKLES & CRINKLES!”


Yours Deflatedly




Today my dear ladies and occasional gentlemen I set forth with my dear friend Veronica. First we visited the beautiful ROSEMOOR GARDENS in Great Torrington, Devon. In the car-park As I alighted from my little FIAT the gentleman about to get in the car next door, said to me “I LIKE YOUR ZIPS”.

It is obviously my ANIMAL MAGNETISM that attracts these men, I just wish they were 30 years you her But how was I expected to respond to a comment like that?

At ROSEMOOR an ANTIQUES FAYRE was on offer and we had a delightful hour perusing and admiring the lovely items on offer.

Now I did make a purchase a BIRTHDAY PRESENT for my dear daughter Morello but please don’t let on as it is a secret for the moment, how exciting.

My other two purchases were also presents, so for the time being they are HUSH-HUSH too. Please do remind me at some time in the future to tell you what the items were.

We left and drove to a BOOT-FAIR where Veronica’s FORAGING skills came to the fore. My word she is a sight to behold, her eyes like LASER-BEAMS darting here there and everywhere, seeking out the HIDDEN TREASURES.

She spotted a charming 1950’s CREAM BATHROOM CABINET WITH GILT KNOBS and a rustic set of corner shelves, perfect for displaying her wares.
We discussed their suitability and the price which was very reasonable but it is always fun to do a bit of BARGAINING. Veronica was a little intimidated by the stall holder but she set her shoulders back and made an offer.

The stall holder swung his impressive grey platt saying “it’s a fair price” Veronica sensibly stayed silent and waited but with an inner tremble, then,
“OK deal” said grey platt.

I was able to prove to Veronica that my little FIAT has a boot like THE TARDIS, able to take both the shelves and the cabinet. Veronica thinks she now has everything to make her stall look perfect.

We are hoping to have a DRY-RUN and set the stall up in her kitchen, perhaps take some photos and see if it all works. I may give you a sneaky- peep.

Yours Secretly



2013 biker gnome bristol

BIKERS BIRTHDAYS  BALLOONS LEOPARD PRINT & FARTS. As you know my friend Veronica and I went to the Theatre to see young William Young in ‘Kabaret’ (very dissappointed not a HANDKNIT on stage)  We had a little pootle around the CHARITY SHOPS, we do love a good rummage and then popped in a WEATHERSPOONS for some lunch. Unfortunately Veronica inadvertantly locked eyes with the wierd man on the adjacent table who appeared to be looking at something questionable on his laptop!

We studied the menu and Veronica said” I think I’ll have the 5 INCH WILLIE”. To say I was shocked ladies and the occasional gentleman is to put it mildly and  the wierd man became very excited and started giving poor Veronica ‘THE GLAD EYE’.

“Celia!” she shouts “I said I’ll have the 5 bean chilli” really she does need to speak up. Unfortunately having captured the lust of Mr Weird poor Veronica had to put up with his laser stare all through luncheon, until he sidled up requesting she looked after his things for a moment before disappearing.

We decided to make a speedy retreat after downing our WINE & GIN we sped past the bar towards the exit where Veronica ran straight into Mr Weird OOPS!

On leaving the Theatre we decided to have a drink  and called in at a public house next to the train station. Outside there were a number of motorcycles obviously on a touring holiday. Outside the entrance we were greeted by two men clad in LEATHER TATTOOS AND CHAINS  (see picture above) how friendly. Inside there was a jolly bunch of similar chaps and their ladies who it seemed were celebrating a birthday as there were balloons and streamers what fun! I do like the smell of leather don’t you? There was wall-to-wall black leather, it was difficult to order a drink but Veronica can be very forceful.

Whilst waiting for the train a lady in a LEOPARD PRINT ensemble started chatting to us. She had a leopard print suitcase, leopard print hand-luggage, leopard print handbag and a leopard print dress, how wild!  She suddenly delved into her hand-luggage and pulled out an enormous book which she thrust into my hands telling me she thought I would enjoy it; the book is about witches! How random!

Settled on the train Mark our HOSPITALITY MANAGER announced “I will be passing my  trolley through  (cough cough) with a selection of drinks including white wine, red wine (cough) oh no we have’n’t got any red wine but we do have rose and that’s nice.  Also I can make you a delicious bacon roll (cough, fart, cough) don’t be shy, give us a try”

I am sorry ladies and the occasional gentleman but we were both crying and helpless with laughter although our fellow passengers failed to see the funny side; all too busy with their phones, pads and lap-tops. They do not realise they are missing out on real life and how funny and wonderful it can be, especially sharing it with good friends.

Yours hysterically


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