DOUBLE CHOCOLATE MUFFIN & A BISHOP’S FINGER

20140228-020517-pm.jpgDOUBLE CHOCOLATE MUFFIN & A BISHOP’S FINGER

My dear ladies and occasional gentlemen I have the patience of a SAINT. Yet again Ronald and I trooped to the Opticians.

The helpful young lady took some more measurements which she double-checked and another appointment was made for a weeks time when fingers crossed the GLASSES may be correct.

If they are correct next week that will be approximately 140 MILES TRAVELLED AND 5 LOTS OF PARKING CHARGES in order to obtain ONE PAIR OF GLASSES!

Our mood was such that on the way home IN A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS we stopped at LIDLS. I bought a DOUBLE CHOCOLATE MUFFIN and Ronald had A BISHOPS FINGER.

If the glasses are wrong again next week, goodness knows what we will be driven to.

EYE, EYE, EYE, EYE, EYE, VAGINAL SPECULA!

imageEYE, EYE, EYE, EYE, EYE, VAGINAL SPECULA!

How difficult can it be to obtain new EYE-GLASSES? Very difficult it seems.

My day started with an intimate PROBING with a BIVALVED VAGINA SPECULA. And before you ask, NO I WAS NOT ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.

The light CHIT-CHAT from the nurse asking me what would I usually be doing at this time of the morning wasn’t quite the distraction that was required when you have TWO METAL DUCK BILLS shoved up your FANNY!

I am not sure a ONE-SIZE FITS ALL POLICY is quite right for this procedure. I understand the NHS is short of funds but we don’t all wear the same size JEANS so I am guessing our FANNYS are a variety of shapes and sizes.

After the DOCTORS I went to collect my new GLASSES for the THIRD time and they are STILL WRONG. I cannot read with them.

The young lady I saw today was excellent I cannot fault her customer service. She told me I should have been referred back to the OPTICIAN when there was a problem in the beginning. So the lenses could have been sorted out properly and I would have only had to return once more. Also the two men I had seen previously had not written any notes, which made it difficult to know what was wrong each time.

Lovely of her to tell me what went wrong, keep your fingers crossed for me that they will get it right eventually.

So tomorrow I will be returning again for the FIFTH time and then will have to go again a week later to pick up the new SPECS. Another lot of PETROL and PARKING!

My dear ladies and occasional gentlemen my day was full of SPECS in one form or another.

Yours Speccily

Celia

GAY TAI CHI CHUCKLES

IMG_0128GAY TAI CHI CHUCKLES

I was meeting my lady friends for TAI CHI today but on the way I had to take some costumes from the pantomime back to the village hall? They were rather heavy so very kindly Ronald offered to carry them for me if I took hirsute Roley and then they could carry on with their walk afterwards.

My lady friends arrived whilst we waited for the MEDITATION group to come out before we could go in with the costumes. As the meditation group were leaving, their leader stopped and asked us ” ARE ANY OF YOU GAY”?

Ronald turned to Mr Meditation and said “That’s rather a personal question to ask”

Mr Meditation looked confused at first and then embarrassed as he hastened to assure us that “I just wondered if any of you were GAYE, I need to give her this” and he waved a cheque in the air.

Gaye is the lady who takes bookings for the hall, in case you were wondering.

My lady friends and I had a good old chuckle before we could settle and calm ourselves ready for our TAI CHI.

WOOLY DILEMMA, CRUTCHING & GOOD PARENTING

imageimageWOOLY DILEMMA, CRUTCHING & GOOD PARENTING. No. 30 was wandering about on his WOBBLY new legs listening and looking for his mother. His brother had given up and was curled in a FETAL heap. In a field full of EWES it is confusing as to EWE your mother is; approaching the wrong one can result in a HEAD-BUTTING!

Their mother Mrs 30 did not appear to have maternal instincts. She was more interested in re-instating her SVELTE figure and lovely white WOOLY glossy coat. It had taken months for the RADDLE to wash out in the rain, I mean who wants to go around with a big PURPLE BLOB on your bum.

Whatever happened in that LAMBING SHED was staying in that LAMBING SHED. She couldn’t wait for her CRUTCHING (the human equivalent of BACK, SACK AND CRACK), the DAGS-WOOL was a humiliation too far. Then a nice relaxing FOOT-BATH, aaah she could feel that warm water gently swirling around her feet – “OH BUGGER! I’ve just wet myself”

Her son was trying to blend in with lambs 28 whose mother was constantly calling and checking on her OFFSPRING. Surely this MOTHERLY EWE with the cuddly body and the smell of warm milk must be his mother too.

He was a bit confused by the world. One minute he was curled up with his brother in a warm dark place the next he was SQUEEZED out into the cold. When before EWE could say ‘HELLO WORLD’ someone had slipped a rubber band over his BOY-BITS and tail and stamped no. 28 on him!

Mrs 30 gently pushed him in the direction of his own mother who was gaily sashaying across the grass as if she was in a MISS WOOL competition in the SWIMSUIT SECTION, without a care in the world.

The maternal ewes were RUMINATING and discussing Mrs 30.

“She’s never been the same since she was in that CHANNEL 4 documentary ‘THE ONLY WAY IS WOOLY’ said one young matron.

“EWER only jealous Jenny, it’s not an attractive trait”

“I think we should call in SOCIAL SERVICES it’s heartbreaking the way she is ignoring her babies”.

“Ewe shouldn’t be so quick to judge, ewe were a young mum once”

“Doris is right dear, ewe should be helping her, after all you are the oldest.”

“How very dare EWE I don’t think I am”

“Teeth don’t lie and ewers stick out like ALAN CARRS”

“Ok ladies let’s not get personal, I think if wool check our teeth, we bah more or less the same age”

“WOOL EWE all stop PUSSY-FOOTING AROUND and let’s tell her to MAN-UP, I’ve already got two HUNGRY HORRORS dragging my TITS to my knees. I am NOT taking on hers!

“BEYONCE’s right, EWE-ALL go around her in a circle collecting her babies on the way and we’ll help her be a good mum. BEYONCÉ can be our ‘THIS IS ONE I MADE EARLIER’ example”

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I know they are not my responsibility but I cannot help but keep an eye on the sheep and new baby lambs in the field outside my sitting-room window.

It is a constant worry when the lambs get separated from their mothers and this is why I cannot possibly do any house-work or cooking at present. As I have to sit around eating CHOCOLATE and drinking a lovely cup of TWININGS EVERYDAY TEA whilst I keep watch. Sorry Ronald.

Yours Sheepishly

Celia

THE BURMA RAILWAY, BUMS & FRIENDS

THE BURMA RAILWAY, BUMS & FRIENDS
So I am just winding down from the pantomime (more about that later) and I went with
my dear lady friends, Gwendoline, Theresa & Christina to the CINEMA to see the film ‘THE RAILWAY MAN’. We took our drinks in with us, ours is a very civilised THEATRE/CINEMA, my drink being ELDERFLOWER. I am afraid rather a lot of ALCOHOL had been consumed the week of the pantomime, so now I am reducing my intake to a glass of WINE with a meal , weekends only.

We had good seats, back row, downstairs and we settled ourselves. Just before the film started a lady climbed up to us and indicated she needed to go passed us to get to her seat on the inside.

“This always ANNOYS ME when someone arrives late and you have to stand up to let them through” she says, chuckling to herself. Unfortunately as I stood up and there is not very much room as you may be aware, my SEAT FLIPPED UP taking my SKIRT with it, giving the people behind me a clear view of my BUM!

The film is quite HARROWING and I am sorry to say dear ladies and the occasional gentleman, that I had to COVER MY EYES at some of the scenes of torture and brutality. One cannot fail to be moved by the HISTORY of the poor men who were forced to build THE BURMA RAILWAY, or of their wives who had to live with these broken men after THE WAR.

This was the second occasion I had cried this evening, the first was watching the NEWS before I left home and seeing the plight of the people of SYRIA.

On leaving the AUDITORIUM a lady was heard asking her friend who the empty seat next to her had been for. The reply was “Oh that’s for my IMAGINARY FRIEND”.

In the midst of TRAGEDY there is still some HUMOUR.

Yours Tearfully

Celia

FALLING OVER JUICE, DAD’S FROCK & MY HOOCHIE-COOCHIE

FALLING OVER JUICE, DAD’S FROCK & MY HOOCHIE -COOCHIE
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I apologise for my absence, I only hope as the saying goes ‘ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER”.

In my defense I have been up to my HOOCHIE-COOCHIE in the pantomime. “OH NO YOU HAVEN’T!” “OH YES I HAVE!”.

We start at 6.00 putting on the MAKE-UP and there is nearly always a RUGBY SCRUM between the men as to who gets in the MAKE-UP CHAIR first. What is it with men and make-up, it is always the same whatever production I am in or DIRECTING.

TO be perfectly honest we all love the DRESSING-UP, the make-up and becoming a different character but the men just cannot wait to put a FROCK AND MAKE-UP on and heaven forbid you try and put a different eyeshadow colour on them!

It makes for some interesting conversations such as “Chloe if you bring your DAD’S FROCK up I can do the alterations”. “Stuart, you have BLUE EYESHADOW or PINK ?”

They are an amazing bunch of people and their AGES RANGE FROM 4 YEARS OLD TO 90 YEARS OLD. It is a joy to watch them come together over the 7 weeks of rehearsals bonding into this enthusiastic cast. They support and help each other and we all have so much FUN which is a commodity worth its wait in gold. A great VILLAGE EVENT and we have our last performance this evening.

There is a quantity of ‘FALLING OVER” juice consumed throughout the week’s run (only by the adults of course) so next week I shall be ABSTAINING. This may make me a little GRUMPY so I apologise in advance if I am a little ACERBIC.

Yours Applausingly

Celia

COTTAGE HOSPITAL CASUALTY & CARE.DATA

20140219-042526-pm.jpgCOTTAGE HOSPITAL CASUALTY & CARE.DATA

My dear ladies and occasional gentlemen much as I am grateful for our NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE, I am also saddened by its state at present. Whilst there is much good to celebrate, equally there are things going wrong that are costing lives.

Our WONDERFUL COTTAGE HOSPITAL is a CASUALTY and will be an ENORMOUS LOSS to the local community. It seems that those of us in RURAL COMMUNITIES are not important enough to have our own hospital. There are far more important people in PARLIAMENT who have to have a HOSPITAL virtually in every BUROUGH.

It seems to me the NHS is TOP-HEAVY with MANAGERS, DIRECTORS AND MANAGEMENT CONSULTANTS and short on NURSES, MIDWIVES, CARERS AND WARD AIDS.

Yet again the NHS has proposed a NEW initiative, ‘ CARE.DATA’. They plan to collect PATIENTS confidential MEDICAL RECORDS, HOSPITAL RECORDS AND COMMUNITY SERVICE RECORDS on one data base for our benefit. However a decision will be made in MARCH whether to SHARE THE DATA WITH PRIVATE COMPANIES.

Yet again a proposal has been suspended because of what Ronald would refer to as a ‘COCK-UP’. Apparently they FAILED to deliver the relevant information to patients in time to launch the system. I received mine but did not like it.

I have decided not to allow my confidential information to be shared as I DO NOT HAVE ANY CONFIDENCE that the DATA would be secure and I HAVE NO CONTROL over who the INFORMATION will be SHARED with.

Apart from that if they CANNOT EVEN MANAGE to send out the relevant information leaflets about the proposals, HOW ON EARTH would they manage such a COMPLEX SYSTEM?

Yours Grumpily

Celia