CAROLS, KEY-CHANGES AND CALLIPYGOUS

Celia Ladygarden's lifestyle for ladies

imageCAROLS, KEY-CHANGES AND CALLIPYGOUS

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman I expect like myself and Ronald you are winding down from Christmas and winding up for the NEW YEAR celebrations. We have returned home after a very lovely Yuletide one of the highlights being the MIDNIGHT MASS. 

Just before we journeyed north for Christmas we had our own CAROL CONCERT in the village and I read a reading in my own inimitable THESPIAN LADY manner. The CHOIR were singing in the stalls, the congregation were singing a beat or two behind and the organist was at least 5 beats behind us. It was like a mad Christmas MADRIGAL! We in the  congregation tried to slow down to match the organ but that didn’t work, the choir tried to speed things up so we joined them and then the ORGANIST decided to CHANGE KEY half-way through a verse. It was impossible…

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CAROLS, KEY-CHANGES AND CALLIPYGOUS

imageCAROLS, KEY-CHANGES AND CALLIPYGOUS

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman I expect like myself and Ronald you are winding down from Christmas and winding up for the NEW YEAR celebrations. We have returned home after a very lovely Yuletide one of the highlights being the MIDNIGHT MASS. 

Just before we journeyed north for Christmas we had our own CAROL CONCERT in the village and I read a reading in my own inimitable THESPIAN LADY manner. The CHOIR were singing in the stalls, the congregation were singing a beat or two behind and the organist was at least 5 beats behind us. It was like a mad Christmas MADRIGAL! We in the  congregation tried to slow down to match the organ but that didn’t work, the choir tried to speed things up so we joined them and then the ORGANIST decided to CHANGE KEY half-way through a verse. It was impossible to suppress the giggles even the VICAR had a smirk on his face. Somehow we all managed to finish the carols but not necessarily together.

just to balance the scales the COTSWOLDS Christmas Mass was conducted at break-neck speed! The church was picture perfect, lit only by candles in chandeliers, the light flickering against the ancient stones and the wax gently plopping on the congregation below. If I angle myself right I cN get my moustache waxed at the same time!

I have never sung Christmas carols so fast in my life which was quite tricky for me as I had forgotten my glasses and was singing from memory. I came unstuck when singing the wrong verse at full volume in a quiet moment.

Morello seemed to find it amusing and snorted through the next verse.

I think it must have been the vicar’s birthday as well as Baby Jesus’s, the speedy service could only mean one thing, HE WAS ON A PROMISE!

Luck Vicar I say as the only promise I was on was finding Ronald 6 sheets to the wind on my return. When I left him he was into CHIEF STOKER mode, plying the poor wood burner with more logs than it could chew in a month and in the other hand a large GIN!
Our son had proudly told us that he had enough logs till the end of February, OH NO YOU DON’T. You’ll be lucky if they last till NEW YEAR!

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman I must be off as I am dressing up and off out for the celebrations. I will be glad to see the back of 2013 and I am looking forward to 2014.

Hello to you lovely SAGA readers who have been recommended to take a look, I hope you enjoy reading my BLISS (I don’t like the word Blog it’s too vulgar)

Thank you all my lovely readers for following me, reading my little BLISS and leaving lovely comments.

I hope to share with you my resolutions for the new year, my adventures with my best friend Veronica, Ronald’s little bits, tales of hirsute Roley, Harold the CROSS-DRESSING librarian, Gwendoline, Theresa, Gloria and all my other wonderful LADY-FRIENDS.

Yours Very Happy New Yearly

Celia

p.s. If I can work the technology I will share photographs and videos. See you next year Cx

CHRISTMAS IN THE COTSWOLDS

CHRISTMAS IN THE COTSWOLD

CHRISTMAS IN THE COTSWOLDS. Yes dear ladies and the occasional gentleman, Ronald, hirsute Roley and I are here celebrating Christmas in the COTSWOLDS.  

However we did wonder on our hazardous journey yesterday if we would be spending it in a SEASONALLY DECORATED SERVICE STATION with nothing but a HORSEMEAT BURGER and an OVER-PROCESSED DOUGHNUT for our Christmas dinner! But due to Ronald’s dogged determination (picked up from Roley no doubt) we did manage to arrive at our destination.

We only fell out once during our trip when we stopped at a SEASONALLY DECORATED SERVICE STATION for a comfort break. Ronald went first as he is a man and does not possess the self-control us ladies have. He returned and as he took hirsute Roley for a tiddle and I left for the ladies his parting shot was “DON’T BE TOO LONG”

Well! I am sure dear ladies you share my outrage, did I set a timescale on his absence? NO I DID NOT! I merely sat waiting patiently till his return, did I demand to go first? NO I DID NOT! It takes as long as it takes to walk there achieve your goals and return. It always takes longer for us ladies as there is usually a queue, for the toilets, the washbasin and the drier. Plus there was some very interesting goings on with a family which involved small red plastic bowls being filled with water at the basins and taken into the toilet. I decided I did not want to know what was occurring.

It took a further 23 miles of travelling and an apology from Ronald before I decided I could converse with him again.

On our Arrival we were greeted with a log fire, damson gin and a superb dinner, we are ready for Christmas.

So my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, we wish you all a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and PEACE HEALTH AND HAPPINESS FOR THE COMING YEAR.

YOURS MERRILY

CELIA

TITS, TAMBOUR, TENTIGINOUS, THERMASTHESIA, THEURGY AND TATERS

TITS, TAMBOUR, TENTIGINOUS, THEURGY AND TATERS, yes dear ladies and the occasional  gentleman, since we last chatted I have experienced all of the above.

I apologise for the unladylike word TITS, I blame Veronica. In our recent sell-out show, she unashamedly performed a poem about her TITS, I tried to persuade her to use BOSOMS instead but to no avail. However it made me think when I woke up and peeped under the duvet:

This morning I was quite distressed

As I lay eu-naturelle in bed

To note my breasts go East and West

Not upright, pert as in my head

So help is needed but do I go for ‘TILLY’S TAMBOUR or ‘VICTORIA’S SECRET’? In order to remain TENTIGINOUS to dear Ronald and bearing in mind it is our WEDDING ANNIVERSARY on the 18th December what would you dear ladies and the occasional gentleman advise me?

Keep this a secret but I am KNITTING Ronald for Christmas an all-in-one undergarment up to the neck and with long sleeves and long legs. The pattern calls for 2 PLY SILK but I didn’t have any, so I am using an ORGANIC FREE-RANGE ARAN TWILL with some of hirsute Roley’s hair to soften it, I’m hoping it won’t tickle him in the sparklers. The reason for the garment is that Ronald is experiencing THERMAESTHESIA after his recent violent allergic reaction.

A few words about  ‘THE FANNYS’ show, we haven’t finished counting yet but it looks with the help of THEURGY  we have raised a substantial amount to go to ‘THE NEW CHEMOTHERAPY UNIT APPEAL’. Our audiences were wonderful, the atmosphere was incredible and we have been hearing lovely comments since the show; how some people have been having a difficult time, some are poorly, some have lost family and friends and some who just came along for an evening out. They have said how they laughed until their jaws ached, how they were able to forget their problems for a little while. Apologies to the lady who forgot to wear her Tenna Lady and had to sit on her coat when she wet herself with laughter. It is a privilege to be a part of THE FANNYS an amazing group of ladies of a certain age who still have youth on their side.

Finaly ladies, last night I went to CHRISTMAS BINGO raising funds for the village CRICKET team. I am not the best at Bingo, I get a bit panicky as everyone takes it so seriously and there are rules about when to call. All evening I watched all the wonderful prizes being won,CHRISTMAS CHOCOLATES AND BISCUITS IN LOVELY VICTORIAN STYLE TINS, GIANT HAMS AND FREE-RANGE TURKEYS and what did I win? A 5.5 LB BAG OF TATERS (POTATOES)! Please do not think I am ungrateful but really!

Well I am off to peel those spuds or perhaps we will have Jacket Potatoes, then to finish writing the village pantomime.

FISHOOKS! Just noticed that I have turned two pages by mistake on my knitting pattern and completely missed the opening in the front of Ronald’s onesie, oh well he will just have to practise self-control, that’ll stop him peeing in the garden!

Yours Busily

Celia

DIVAS, DINNER & DAEDAL

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DIVAS, DINNERS & DAEDAL. Yes dear ladies and the occasional gentleman, it is SHOW-WEEK

Friday nights rehearsal was particularly fraught, so fraught that Morrelo and Veronica broke into a box of FRUITY WHITE WINE that was meant for the bar on a performance night!  There were TEARS, TANTRUMS AND TACENDAS and we were left at the end of the evening having only gone through the first half of the show thinking that we would book a cheap long weekend in BRUGES instead.

Sunday morning’s rehearsal with the aim of running the whole show started well and continued in this vein THANK SHAKESPEARE. Afterwards the majority of the cast along with husbands sped to the village hall for the ANNUAL ROAST DINNER event. After settling into our various seats and filling our glasses with THE FINEST VINO we pulled our crackers, donned our party hats and entered into the jolly spirit.

To decide which table could go up first to be served dinner a quiz question was asked.

“What was the size of the parish in acreage, the population and the size of bodies of water In 1884?”

All on our table were scratching their heads when suddenly the number popped into my head 3,984. Unfortunately I thought that the answers had to be totalled and then divided by their number 3, when in fact the answers should have been added together. Oh well HO-HUM.

The dinner was delicious and we were all tucking in when Ronald’s knife suddenly lunged for me, hitting me on the arm, leaving a trail of BEEF GRAVY, bouncing off and a piece of beef flew through the air, hit the ceiling and landed next to Veronica’s plate. Ronald May have had a snifter before dinner and the wine!

I became a little impatient waiting to be told our table could go up for pudding and grabbing Veronica’s hand forced my way through the elderly ladies and others making there way up, indeed Veronica nearly flattened a vertically challenged gentleman who ended up facing completely the wrong way and looking confused as to what had happened.But we had the pick of the puddings and were making our way back to our table when we were rumbled by THE LOCAL FUNERAL DIRECTOR, who had been last seen by us with Veronica’s brassiere over his head (see film in show) who enjoyed OUTING us to the rest of the diners! A lovely village event.

So tonight is our dress & tech rehearsal before the first night of our show on Thursday , then Friday and Saturday night.

So wish us all luck, break a leg etc and hope we raise a good sum of money for the CHEMOTHERAPY APPEAL.

Yours Excitedly

Celia