RONALD IS MIFFED

RONALD IS MIFFED. You may remember hirsute Roley had broken Ronald’s KINDLE, this has meant more visits to the library.

Ronald drove to into town, parked and paid for parking Grrrh. Walked to the library, it was closed double Grrrh.

Two days later he drove to town, parked and paid for parking Grrrh. Walked to the library , it was closed treble Grrrh.

Two days later he drove to town, parked and paid for parking Grrrh. Walked to the library, it was closed, Quadruple Grrrh.

Ronald blames Harold the CROSS-DRESSING librarian because he was all in favour of reduced opening hours.

Harold said “It gives me more time for my new hobby, WIND TURBINE spotting, they are my favourite things after high-heels”

Ronald is suspicious because Harold is on the Town Council and he has a new BICYCLE!

Yours Suspiciously

Celia

FEMALE TRANSPORT – FISH AND CHIPS

FEMALE TRANSPORT – FISH AND CHIPS.  Last night Theresa, Gwendoline and I went to the theatre. We watched a very interesting play about the transport of female criminals to Van Diemans’s land. The set and lighting was very clever and it felt just as if you were looking into a real ship. The cast were excellent and portrayed the horror of life on board ship, manacled, beaten and abused, the sickness and squalor. But also the relationships between the women, the infighting, comfort and caring. Congratulations to all involved.

An enjoyable evening only marred by Gwendoline. We were passing the FISH AND CHIP shop on the way back to the car and as I had only eaten some baked beans on toast at mid-day I decided to partake of a FISH SUPPER which I would take home and share with Ronald. He likes a bite late at night.

Theresa decided to have a ladies portion of chips but Gwendoline declined on account of her being on a diet!

Whilst waiting for our supper Gwendoline was telling us about her cousin who works in London and travels on the buses. Aparently whilst he is waiting at bus stops and sitting in traffic he writes on social networking. Fine you may think, no problem with that but then dear Gwendoline goes on to say to me ” He doesn’t half write a load of c..p, just like you”.

Well dear ladies and the occasional gentleman to say I was shocked is to put it too mildly.

“How very dare you “I replied looking at her sternly “are you referring to my BLISS ? (As you know dear readers I do not like the word BLOG, too vulgar) My readers are discerning, intelligent they would not read c..p.

Theresa was looking shocked, the fish & chip ladies were looking shocked, even the cod turned up it’s tail. Gwendoline started back-tracking

“But it’s very funny I only meant he writes rubbish, about nothing”

“What?”

“Yours isn’t rubbish, I just meant that he writes like you about ordinary things and people”

Luckily our fish supper was ready at that point so conversation with big boots on was supended. To top it all when I dropped her at home she vacated the car taking my fish supper with her, I only just retrieved it in time.

I don’t think that dieting agrees with Gwendoline.

Yours crushedly

Celia

FISHNETS FANNYS & THONGS

FISHNETS FANNYS & THONGS

FISHNETS FANNYS & THONGS. What larks ladies and the occasional gentleman. Myself and my dear friend Veronica embarked on our filming for the SILVER SCREEN. I must say doesn’t it take a long ti me to look like OVER-EASY MAN-EATERS.?

My daughter Morello with the artistic bent advised me to ‘DOUBLE-TIGHT IT’ (FISHNETS on top) then a second pair of KNICKERS to keep everything safe and in place.
I struggled to heave the rubber skirt on, but quite liked the BLACK-KNIT-LUREX-SILVER-STRETCH TOP WITH A ROLL-NECK.

Veronica of course had taken things a little too far, she is so enthusiastic sometimes she forgets she is a lady! She had decided to wear what can only be described as A SILVER-GREY-STRETCH-BAND-AID WITH A PINK-LACE THONG peeping over the top of her fishnets. I did say it was meant to be a skirt and not a dress but Hey-Ho.

Morello did our make-up what a palaver. Unfortunately the cheap FALSE-EYELASHES & glue stuck my right eye together which later caused the embarrassing incident with an unknown darts player, his falsetto shout of BULLS-EYE and sudden doubling over nearly resulted in my receiving a second ear-piercing with a PURE SHOT STEEL-TIPPED DART!

Filming took place in the local sports club, I was a little cross on arrival to find HAROLD THE CROSS-DRESSING LIBRARIAN already ensconced at the bar wearing an AMY WINEHOUSE wig with A PINK-SPANDEX-CRYSTAL-ENCRUSTED-HALTER-NECK over TOURQUOISE STRIPED LEGGINGS. I was not prepared to be upstaged and firmly told him to put on his MARKS & SPENCER CASHMILLON CARDIGAN and cover up.

Veronica and I had taken a little VINO for courage beforehand and on arrival we seemed to prove quite popular with the gentlemen who kindly bought us more so we embibed a few as it would have been rude to refuse. Things seemed to deteriorate fast after that but I am not sure why. I think we were caught up in the moment.

Suffice it to say when we looked at the pictures the following day we nearly burned out the delete button on the computer. Poor Ronald who happened to catch a glimpse in passing, came over all peculiar and retired to his shed clutching ‘WOODBURNERS FOR THE UN-INITIATED’ to the front of his skinny-legged trousers (he safety-pinned them himself in order to look like DERMOT O’LEARY off X-FACTOR).

Thankfully we do have enough photos that are not showing our FANNYS or THONGS to be made into a film which will be shown at a concert fundraising for a new CHEMOTHERAPY UNIT for the hospital.

We are returned to our ladylike state and I apologise if I have embarrassed any of my ladies and occasional gentleman who are following my Bliss.

Yours Fannily

Celia

LURE OF THE SILVER SCREEN

LURE OF THE SILVER SCREEN. What larks, my friend Veronica and myself have been cajoled into making another film. This follows our last successful celluloid extravaganza for which we wrote the original script and directed ourselves in order that we had the best lines and the cameraman shot our best sides.

Strange the cameraman was taken away on the last day of filming by some very nice young men in white coats. We could still hear him singing ‘Tip-toe Through The Tulips’ as they closed the ambulance doors. There was a bit of screaming before that so he must have caught his long-lens in his shutter.

Tomorrow I am going to our local craft club and we are DECOUPAGING. we have been asked to take some tissue so I am taking some KLEENEX and a roll of IZAL  toilet paper And a framed photo of Ronald, it’s a bit dull and could do wit h brightening up.

Must dash I have some WRIST-WARMERS FELTING in the washing machine and I think I may have overdone the soap as there are BUBBLES bubbling under the utility door.

Yours Soapily

Celia

PASS THE COCONUT ON THE LEFT-HAND SIDE

PASS THE COCONUT ON THE LEFT-HAND SIDE. Poor Ronald has had a severe ALLERGIC REACTION TO COCONUT  and he has been advised by the doctor to wear a MEDI-ALERT BRACELET

I am thinking this could be dual purpose and I could fit a remote-controlled small electric charge within the bracelet. Then when Ronald starts snoring in bed, instead of having to dig him in the ribs I can just press my remote and shock him enough to stop.

Yours electrically

Gloria