How thrilled Ronald and I were to be asked to be Godparents to the Little Prince George and pleased that they had chosen to name him after Ronald’s middle name. And how excited I was to be e-mailed by the Queen, making sure that we didn’t wear the same colour outfit.

Ronald decided to wear his white linen suit because he had heard that it was going to be an informal affair but I’m not sure the JOHN TRAVOLTA look was quite right. Of course it was such short notice that I didn’t have the time to buy a new hat. So I whipped out my number 8 needles and my WOMENS WEEKLY 1937 KNITTING BOOK ‘HATS FOR ALL OCCASIONS’ and luckily I had some PEA-GREEN, ORGANIC, BAMBOO, CASHMILLON, HANDSPUN, CHUNKY RAFFIA DOUBLE WOOL, that I had put by. So I settled down with a large GIN & TONIC and created.

If you look at the pictures you will just see me and the hat to the left of THE QUEEN, you cannot see poor Ronald as he was trapped behind the COUNTESS CAMILLA. The Duke was so funny, he asked me if he could TICKLE MY FANCY with my hat feather, what larks.

The food could have been better, I don’t think CORNBEEF & PICKLE VOL-AU-VENTS are suitable for the Queen, And the SCOTCH EGGS with the little cross of St George flags in were just common.

Of course PIPPA PARTYPLANNER had organised the food, so say no more!

THE QUEEN has promised to send me some photographs and I have promised to send her the hat pattern.

Yours Royaly



Yesterday my dear friend Veronica and I set off to visit a friend in hospital. We drove across the moors in beautiful sunshine and stopped at a pretty little market town for a forage, Veronica does love a forage. Walking from the car park past the rushing water-weir whilst beautiful, encouraged a pressure in the ladygarden area but not enough to entice us to use the public lavatory!.
Entering the indoor market we chatted to a few of the stall holders and enjoyed looking at the lovely crafts on offer. I purchased some pretty buttons and ribbon and then we left to find a tea-rooms with a lavatory.

We located a lovely little tea-room with real ladies but unfortunately no room. “Come back in 10 minutes” one of the real ladies said, so we went for a rummage in the charity shop.

We also found a ladies dress shop with original, wearable and in lovely fabrics clothes for real women. We were offered coffee, how civilised, you don’ t get that in PRIMARK. Veronica tried on a CURELEAN BLUE tunic and fell in love, I do believe we may be taking a return trip for said tunic.

In the lovely tea-rooms the lovely real ladies brought us a pot of tea and whilst waiting for lunch Veronica ventured to the lavatory, unfortunately an elderly gentleman arrived there first. I was relieved that Veronica went in after him and I was able to follow her. It was a real lavatory with a proper flush, real soap and paper hand towels, I can’t be doing with those machines that blow you off.

I was seated in the waiting room of the heart ward in the hospital whilst Veronica visited. Sat opposite an elderly gentleman in a peaked cap and overcoat even though it was about 75 degrees, his son and daughter-in-law and next to me a gentleman of about 45. The elderly gentleman went through a list of all the hospitals he had been in and some of the various operations, he then pointed to himself and said ” this blood isn’t mine you know, oh no, 26 pints I,ve had of someone else,s” ?

The 45 year old then said “I had a new valve fitted and it clicks” .

Old man, “I’ve got one of them”.

45 years old “they told me not to smoke, but I did, now all my valves are blocked up”

Son ” do you still smoke?”

45 year old ” I’ve got one of those electric cigarettes”

Old man, “I’ve got one of those (banging his chest)

Son, ” no you haven’t dad

Old man,” yes I have”

Son, ” he’s talking about an electric cigarette”

Old man, ” I knew that”

Three sets of eyes then locked on me, “are you having a heart op”?

“Not me, keep away from the healing hands”.

We stopped on the moor on the way home and ate the delicious almond and cherry tart dessert that the lovely ladies in the tea-room had put in a box for us.

Yours stickily


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Whilst shopping with Ronald,  unfortunately TESCOS not WAITROSE as it was the closest; I felt in need of a little boost of POTASSIUM. So I popped into the trolley next to the ‘BLACK TOWER’ Fruity White, (fresh, smooth and fruity just like me) a packet of mixed dried fruit and nuts. Fairly innocuous I hear you say, well you would think so. Ronald and I stopped on the way home in a quiet spot and indulged ourselves and I must say it did leave a tangy taste in my mouth.

On arriving home as I went to dispose of the empty packet I noticed the ingredients, one of which was Physalis! To say I was shocked was an understatement, it doesn’t take a genius to work out the anagram!


Yours Tangily





I’m looking after little Dixon whilst Helen does her stint at the Bank. I wish she’d get a proper job. I haven’t told you about Dixon before because (and I know you will find this hard to believe) I didn’t know about him!

Helen has always been a rebel, I cannot tell you how dissappointed Ronald and I were when she took that job at the bank. We brought her up to be honest, caring and with a sense of duty to others and then she just chucks all her morals out of her double-glazed plastic window and worships the God of MAMMON. I’m so ashamed that I tell people she works in WAITROSE on the fish counter.

To get back to Dixon or to give him his full name Dixon Smokey Busta Romain he is a darling little boy and I love his little dreads with the little beads and feathers, so exotic. But I cannot tell a lie it was a bit of a shock when Helen turned up with him and his father Judge Otis Romain. Apparently he is not a magesterial judge that is his Christian name and I am presuming his ancestors invented the lettuce.

Helen explained over a cup of tea and a FRANGIPANE that they had met whilst she was on a course for the bank in JAMAICA about how to hoodwink and persuade customers to take out LOANS & INSURANCES. Judge has his own gardening business and is a specialist in growing CANNABIS SATIVA which I believe is HEMP.  We have so much in common because I like to garden ORGANICALLY as well; I like to sprinkle HEMP on my breakfast cereal it is so good for the joints.

I think his mother and I share the same passion for knitting to judge by the colourful hat he wears. Ronald has even got used to the fact he wears it indoors. I am so pleased she has met such a lovely young man he brings the aroma of the CARRIBBEAN WITH HIM.

Helen says it was a whirlwind romance and they have bought (courtesy of the bank) a nice little smallholding with poly-tunnels so that Judge can expand his gardening business.

 Helen left little Dixon with us so that we could get to know each other. She had left him some natural organic recycled muesli for breakfast but I gave him some of my friend Veronica’s foraged BLACKBERRY & SLOE GIN JELLY on his muffins.  He loved it bless him but afterwards he was so funny as he staggered about on his little feet in the sun room giggling, until he finally flopped down on his Dunelm Mill bean-bag fast asleep. How Ronald and I laughed.

Yours Gigglingley




Ronald has broken his KINDLE, disaster! So he went to the library and chose 7 books. Looking through them at home he realised he had read 6 of them!.

So We are off to a ‘SAVE OUR LIBRARY’ meeting. Poor Howard the cross-dressing librarian is distraught about its closure. He’s having to move branches. Howard doesn’t drive and can’t even ride his bicycle after that incident in his back-passage. I told him not to leave his bike there. That Mrs. Griffiths in the flat next door is no lightweight. I knew she’d put a dent in his spokes. It will be dreadful if the library closes. I just love to read. I’ve read 363 books on my kindle have you brought one yet?

Yours Bookily





To get back to Valerie. You won’t know Valerie but I expect you remember Blue John Captain of the cricket club. He’s had many a maiden –over behind the pavilion; whilst his poor wife Eileen is rushed off her feet providing high quality teas. My mother told me “never trust a hirsute man” and he has hair on every surface. We all know the sort of DVD collection he’s got in his shed pure SMUT! At least I know that all Ronald’s got in his shed is a packet of chocolate hobnobs and The Caravan Monthly!

 He brought Valerie back from a business trip to Thailand. Apparently he met her over drinks in ‘The Pink Lotus Pleasure House’. Poor Eileen is devastated. Blue John insists she’s a long lost cousin. The only resemblance I can see is that they are both over 6’ and sport a 5 o’clock shadow. She wears more make-up than Carol Vordeman and you wouldn’t credit the size of her feet. She’ll do all right in the Debenhams sales there’s always large sizes left. Anyway she wore a Tahitian grass skirt, two coconuts and tried to pass off a Co-Op Chicken Kiev as a Poulet Fafa . Is it any wonder I was queasy

Yours Queasily



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