At our Mothers Union Kindle Group Meeting we all had to bring and share food. My dear friend Veronica had been on a course about foraging and I thought “why don’t I be really daring and try foraging myself”

So instead of popping into WAITROSE, Ronald took me to Blenheim Palace’s FARMERS MARKET. It was so exciting, I bought FILOImage baskets filled with KAROO COTSWOLD LAMB CURRY, PORTABELLO MUSHROOM ROULADE and a MOIST CHOCOLATE BISCOTTI & NUTELLA CAKE but I don’t like the word moist it has smutty connotations, so I called it slightly damp.

Although I can hardly bear to let the name past my lips, in my next blog I will tell you all about Valerie!

Yours Foragingly




2013 biker gnome bristol

BIKERS BIRTHDAYS  BALLOONS LEOPARD PRINT & FARTS. As you know my friend Veronica and I went to the Theatre to see young William Young in ‘Kabaret’ (very dissappointed not a HANDKNIT on stage)  We had a little pootle around the CHARITY SHOPS, we do love a good rummage and then popped in a WEATHERSPOONS for some lunch. Unfortunately Veronica inadvertantly locked eyes with the wierd man on the adjacent table who appeared to be looking at something questionable on his laptop!

We studied the menu and Veronica said” I think I’ll have the 5 INCH WILLIE”. To say I was shocked ladies and the occasional gentleman is to put it mildly and  the wierd man became very excited and started giving poor Veronica ‘THE GLAD EYE’.

“Celia!” she shouts “I said I’ll have the 5 bean chilli” really she does need to speak up. Unfortunately having captured the lust of Mr Weird poor Veronica had to put up with his laser stare all through luncheon, until he sidled up requesting she looked after his things for a moment before disappearing.

We decided to make a speedy retreat after downing our WINE & GIN we sped past the bar towards the exit where Veronica ran straight into Mr Weird OOPS!

On leaving the Theatre we decided to have a drink  and called in at a public house next to the train station. Outside there were a number of motorcycles obviously on a touring holiday. Outside the entrance we were greeted by two men clad in LEATHER TATTOOS AND CHAINS  (see picture above) how friendly. Inside there was a jolly bunch of similar chaps and their ladies who it seemed were celebrating a birthday as there were balloons and streamers what fun! I do like the smell of leather don’t you? There was wall-to-wall black leather, it was difficult to order a drink but Veronica can be very forceful.

Whilst waiting for the train a lady in a LEOPARD PRINT ensemble started chatting to us. She had a leopard print suitcase, leopard print hand-luggage, leopard print handbag and a leopard print dress, how wild!  She suddenly delved into her hand-luggage and pulled out an enormous book which she thrust into my hands telling me she thought I would enjoy it; the book is about witches! How random!

Settled on the train Mark our HOSPITALITY MANAGER announced “I will be passing my  trolley through  (cough cough) with a selection of drinks including white wine, red wine (cough) oh no we have’n’t got any red wine but we do have rose and that’s nice.  Also I can make you a delicious bacon roll (cough, fart, cough) don’t be shy, give us a try”

I am sorry ladies and the occasional gentleman but we were both crying and helpless with laughter although our fellow passengers failed to see the funny side; all too busy with their phones, pads and lap-tops. They do not realise they are missing out on real life and how funny and wonderful it can be, especially sharing it with good friends.

Yours hysterically



To get back to our KINDLE Group meeting, it was very exciting. We were critiquing, Dorothy Ledgers very own e-book. Quite honestly I didn’t know what to say. One doesn’t want to quash creative spirit but I’ve had more interest reading the instructions on a MARKS & SPENCER gourmet dinner. No wonder it only costs 44p. I think it was typed by a dyslexic school leaver. Not that I don’t have sympathy for dyslexics, I am short-sighted myself.

Of course LAYLA LAVERNE spouted on. She thinks she is a bony-fidy author since she had her letter published in ‘TAKE A BREAK’. With a name like hers I think she would be better suited to BURLESQUE!

Ronald is distraught, Roley jumped on his KINDLE and it is no more, it is deceased, gone to the other side.

Yours Sadly






This is Veronica’s recipe for Spam Musabi. Unlike hers (see above picture) mine did not look at all appetizing and as I haven’t touched Spam since 1963, I wasn’t about to start now!. Veronica is into foraging and also likes to share her discoveries.Although after our recent Mothers Union Kindle Group meeting; I shall think twice before sharing other people’s culinary offerings. It’s not easy cleaning up after a miniature schnauzer they’re very hirsute.

Virginia that knitted sick bucket didn’t work, please test out your patterns yourself before you inflict them on the rest of us

More about the kindle meeting in my next post

Yours Queasily





CELIA AND VERONICA VENTURE FORTH. How exciting we are off to the Theatre .My lovely daughter with the ARTISTIC BENT has obtained tickets for us to see ‘Kaberet’ starring William Young who I understand is a lovely singer songwriter, he probably has an artistic bent too. What Larks!
Even more exciting we have to catch the train. One of our favourites is the ‘MINERVA’ Built in 1927 and served many Pullman routes. Joined the Devon Belle in 1947 and the Golden Arrow in 1951, being used in the special Festival of Britain rake. Often included in special trains for state visits and royal use in the early 50s.

Which of course suits myself and Veronica, nothing like A TOUCH OF CLASS.  What a naughty pair we are as we tuck our KNICKERS into our handbags, nothing we love more than a VELVET PLUSH PULLMAN close to our fa……  pre-lunch cocktail, served by a smartly dressed waiter with a few horse-derves. CLICKETY-CLACK, CLICKETY-CLACK what perfect rythm until speeding up to the junction, faster, faster until WHOO-WHOO goes the whistle.

Yours Excitedly



THRILLS, TINGLES & X-RAYS on a Wednesday?
Having to attend the hospital for some x-rays, I dressed with the knowledge that I would probably have to undress in a confined space with speed. Accordingly I wore some elasticated waist trousers with a tunic top. Whilst in the waiting room a nurse approached with the query “are those elasticated?” Damn I thought no one would notice. “Yes” I replied
“Fine, then you can stay dressed” Great how lucky no embarrassing hospital gown with the BARE-ALL BACK.

She sent me to some chairs outside the x-ray room, I sat. A very good looking young man came out, walked away from me back to the waiting room and called my name. A very drab woman jumped up and said “That’s me”
Strange, Celia Ladygarden is not a common name, so I called out “excuse me” but drab-woman was excercising her jaws drowning me out.
I called again “excuse me” no effect, decided situation called for my authoritarian voice.
Good looking young man turns sees me and even though I am wearing elasticated trousers, recognises that my stylish dress, coiffed hair and ladylike demeanour matches the name of CELIA LADYGARDEN.
Drab woman defeated sits.
What a charming young man; his greeting of “hello Celia how nice to meet you” put me at ease and as he explained what was to happen I relaxed.
Laying on the bed as he leant over and asked me in a husky voice if I had on any belts, buckles or zips my tummy did a little flip. Then he gently but firmly placed his rather lovely hands firmly either side of my waist.
“Just checking where your hip bones are”
My dear ladies and the occasional gentleman I have to confess to heightened emotions and tingles in areas that Ronald seems to have misplaced.
In fact I couldn’t help myself I just had to keep putting myself in the wrong position so that he could keep adjusting me!
Alas all too soon it was over and his reply to my thanks “It was a pleasure”
“No the pleasure was all mine”

Yours Pleasuredly




BULLOCKS! Gloria and I set off for an evening walk with Roley trotting alongside. How we wished we had taken our foraging baskets with us as the profusion of ripe SUCCULANT BLACKBERRIES tempted us along our way.

All was well as we dallied along the country lanes admiring the CORN on the cob AS HIGH AS AN ELEPHANTS EYE and ROSY ROSEHIPS RESTING in the hedgerow. Until after a long straight run with no gateways we turned the corner and spied a BAND OF BREAKAWAY BULLOCKS.

Roley froze on the spot, we copied his example, then turned slowly so as not to call attention walked slowly back around the corner; then ran like hell for the nearest gateway.

Clambering up the gate in as ladylike manner as possible, triumph as I straddled the top then tragedy as I toppled off into an undignified heap on the ground; wishing I had not gone COMMANDO under my dirndl skirt as a large CORN ON THE COB thrust it’s way between my legs. OUCH!

So now we are stuck in a cornfield without a mobile phone signal; resourceful Gloria climbed to the top of the gate to gain height and hopefully a signal but no luck.

20 Minutes later under a darkening sky and after hearing bucolic shouting and mooing noises we decided it was safe to proceed using Roley as our COW-DETECTER.

Arrived home under the stars to find that Ronald hadn’t even noticed I wasn’t home!

Yours Humpily




A HUG OF BEARS, what a great name for a collection of our cuddly companions. These are a few of my KNITTED friends who will put a smile on your face.
Many of us were lucky enough to have these companions, who were keepers of our secrets our sorrows and our hopes.
How sad for the non-teddy owners not to have had that special friend to comfort you when the nightmares come whether you are 8, 18 or 80.
Don’t forget to turn that bear away from the “RUMPY-PUMPY” bed area, they do have feelings you know and can get embarrassed.

Coming in all shapes, sizes and textures what pleasure they give us.

Ronald does not have a bear he tells me he has other ways of giving himself pleasure; it’s probably pottering in his shed.

Yours Knittingly






JOCK-COCK & FRIDGE-HOLES? Why would you?
Dear ladies and the occasional gentleman, Veronica & myself decided to venture out on a late summer’s evening for a ladylike supper by the sea.
“Sounds lovely” I hear you say, the idea certainly was the actuality was slightly different.
We arrived at the restaurant and I secured a table outside on the decking, looking out over a perfect azure sea, dappled with early evening sunlight.
Veronica at the bar requested two glasses of wine to be put on the bill and the menu.
The young woman (definately not a lady) abruptly told her ” You carnt ave a tab, you’ll have to pay for those drinks”
Veronica politely pointed out that we would like to enjoy a drink whilst perusing the menu and would pay altogether at the end of our meal. Veronica paid for the drinks!
We sat with this glorious view but with the monologue from what can only be described as a ‘RICHARD HEAD’ booming from the next table.
We surreptitiously whilst pretending to look at the view moved to the other end; bliss, silence. Which was then rudely interrupted by a FAT COMEDIENNE bursting into ‘I AM THE MUSIC MAN’ from the function room next to us.
I downed my chilled Rose, Veronica concealed her white wine spritzer and we proceeded down the back stairs and along the promenade, Veronica sipping as we went to another seaview restaurant.  Meeting on the way a  WHITE POODLE, rather handsome who was taking a tattooed skinhead who wasn’t, for a walk. He attempted conversation we just smiled and petted him, clever poodle more articulate than it’s owner.
We arrived and climbed the stairs to be greeted by SOMBREROS and “hello ladies it’s Mexican Night”
Veronica muttering “I don’t feel like a Mexican”
Me: “Can we have one of the tables by the window please?”
Sombrero: “No, I can give you a table at the back”

Ladies what would you have done? I am sure the same as us.  We DID NOT want to eat something called JOCK-COCK or FRIDGE-HOLES and we did not want to sit at the back without a view when there were two tables by the window free. We declined in a ladylike manner and found a comfy seat downstairs with seaviews and no sombreros; well not until the SOMBREROED young man who brought our meal turned up.

We may plan our next foray for a ladylike supper more carefully.

Yours Guacomoled






IN SEARCH OF QUALMS.  Pet qualms, I think I want one. I was reading an interview in a magazine and at the end of the article was written: Do you have a pet qualm? We’d love to know, please write etc.:

Well I do not have a pet qualm and further more, I do not know what one looks like. are there wild qualms? Are they a protected species? Is there a breeding programme? If so let’s hope it’s better than Edinburgh Zoo’s pandas.

Are they kept in cages And can you train them? What about when you. Go on holiday are there qualm kennels?

Would hirsute Roley have a problem with a qualm?

Whilst I ponder this interesting subject do feel free to inform me of your pet qualms.


Yours Qualmely





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