My mother finally went down for surgery at 9.00pm last night. My daughter Lettuce and I had been at the hospital all day so hungry, we went for some food. We wanted something quick so as to be back in time for mother to exit the theatre. Let us go to MCDONALDS said Lettuce.

We arrived and made our way through the gathered YOOF; all below the age of 17/18. At the counter was a very pleasant young lady who enquired what we would like. What I would like would have been a BASIL & PINE NUT MAGHERITE PASTA with a lightly tossed salad but I did not think I would obtain it there.

Whilst we were perusing the menu a queue had formed behind us and we panicked aware that we were holding things up, so quickly placed an order.

The young lady gave us our coffees and said she would bring the order to our table.

We made our way through the YOOF and past a young mother with a baby in a pram, father with what appeared to be a prison-issue hoody over his head (bearing in mind he was indoors and it was hot and 10 o’clock at night) and sat down at a table next to a group of ‘ONE DIRECTION’ look-a-likes.

The pleasant young lady brought our meal to the table. As she placed the ‘KIDS HAPPY MEAL’ boxes down we could here sniggering around us. We had inadvertently in our haste ordered children’s meals.

With as much dignity as we could muster we pulled out the contents, ate our meal and left dodging the boy-racers in the car park.

Heading back to the hospital, Lettuce suddenly shouted “MOTHER THE LIGHTS ARE RED”! I had accidentally shot through, I slammed on the brakes flinging my arm out to stop Lettuce going through the windscreen, forgetting she was not 6 anymore.

Waiting in the hallway outside the ward for Mother to return, I think we were slightly hysterical by this point as there was a high risk my mother would not survive the operation. To keep our minds off things Lettuce decided to teach me some BOKWA. After about 15. Minutes I realised there was security cameras. Can you imagine the watchers ” here come and look at these pair of nutters)

The good news is my wonderful 83 year old Mother endured stomach surgery awake with just local anaesthetic which they couldn’t’t give enough to kill the pain because it would be too toxic for her. How incredibly stoical are our old folk, we must treasure them.

Arrived home at 12.15 am.

Yours Tiredly



HIRSUTE ROLEY WAITING TO PLAY, he has missed me whilst I have been at the hospital.

What a day! Mother has gone from death’s door to recovery in 5 hours. The care she has been given has been amazing, first class DOCTORS & wonderfully caring NURSES. Just hope she is well enough to have her operation tomorrow.

There is something about a medical gentleman in linen. The view is wonderful when I stand back and they lean over mother’s bed the linen taught across there but….oh I do beg your pardon I am not sure what came over me.

Yours Flusteredly



PHYSICIAN HEAL THYSELF it is a funny old phrase but if any of my lovely ladies and occasional gentleman have spent time in our hospitals, they will recognise the irony.

Observing the NURSES DOCTORS and other staff whilst my mother is in hospital is fascinating. They are attempting to heal, nurse and advise patients when perhaps they ignore the self-same advice.

I am amazed at how many FAT NURSES there are. Yesterday I was in the queue behind a male nurse who appeared to be 6 months pregnant and who purchased a large portion of chips at 5. O’clock in the afternoon. What a pity it is that the hospital cafe offers chips. Certainly the uniform comes in XL, XXL sizes. Now please don’t take this as a criticism of the NHS. The hospital apart from one or two incidents have been looking after my mother very well. But everyone is struggling to work efficiently in the soaring temperatures we have been experiencing and if you are fat it is ten times harder.

Yet others are standing off-site smoking. There is of course no smoking in the hospital or anywhere on-site, including the car park.

This does not appear to apply to a few patients, who drag themselves plus drips to a position just outside of the entrance to light up.

Mother has been moved to the Cardiac Ward and her surgery has been postponed. The walls are plastered with pictures of the effects of smoking and over-eating. I guess you just get blind to them after a while.

Of course I do not have any bad habits. I did have a medicinal GIN & TONIC on arriving home however.

Yours Saintely



TIRED FEET after spending 7 hours in the hospital with mother.

Here is a useful tip I picked up in the hospital today. If you have a sickness and diahorea bug, the thing to drink is a full-bodied Coca Cola not water. Apparently the water makes the ‘RUNS’ worse but the sugar in the coke helps replace what you have lost.

The other item to have is a packet of salted crisps as this replaces salt lost. I am sure this will delight children everywhere who are normally not allowed cola.

Yours Tiredly



As you all know my dear mother is in hospital.

Yesterday as We were waiting to converse with the mother’s nurse a nurse passed us in the corridor. As she approached she fixed one eye on Ronald, the other appeared to be looking at the wall. She slowed and eyed him up and down, Ronald of course was oblivious. When she got to the far end of the corridor she turned and came towards us again. As she passed she gave Ronald “THE GLAD EYE”, I chuckled and said “you old SILVER FOX Ronald you have still got it”

“What have I got” said Ronald as the nurse got to the other end of the corridor and turned back to us again. “That nurse fancies you” I said pointing discreetly.

Ronald looked at her, she looked at Ronald. “BLOODY HELL! At least she will never catch me” he said as he all of 9 1/2 stone headed off to the lifts. Nurse weighing in in at least 16 stone with a face only a mother could love, looked on wistfully.

Yours hystericaly



How daring! here we are baring our toes on the beach. As you can see mine are lightly dressed in ‘PEACOCK BLUE’ unfortunately Veronica could not decide on a colour so bought several different colours of nail varnish all equally unsuitable for a lady; so has gone ‘O NATURE.


Veronica’s skirt is unfortunately TOO SHORT Ladies of her age should always wear their skirts over the knee.

Yours Summerly



VERONICA bless her little LADY-SOCKS invited me out for an evening trip to the SEASIDE. This could not have come at a better time because my poor mother is in hospital again. I am relieved that she is at last getting the TLC and treatment she has needed since they ejected her from hospital 12 days ago. She has not had a visit from her Doctor or any nurses at all in this time, even though she was very poorly and has not eaten for nearly 3 weeks and was barely drinking a few sips of water. Consequently she is dangerously dehydrated.

Veronica arrived in what I can only describe as her working clothes, which I have to be honest were slightly whiffy. She was clutching a TESCO carrier bag with her going out clothes in. I suggested that she might like to take a quick shower to freshen up, Ronald always the gentleman rushed to fetch a bathtowel.

We set off in Veronica’s car which if it was in THE TATE MODERN would be called a piece of ‘LIVING ART’. Living because of the odd SNAIL, paw marks across the bonnet along with birds doo-dah, bits of grass and seeds; indeed I was seeded when Veronica drove too close to the hedge when playing chicken with RANGE ROVER. I was showered with SEEDS,I am still picking them out of my undergarments. There are bits of radiator grills missing, a deep gouge the length of one side. As for the inside, it would take toO long to write a comprehensive list. Let me just say that it includes, a gold-coloured curtain pole, a strange pink plastic thing, various shoes and clothing and a sewing machine without a plug.

Luckily Ronald had set me up with a G & T before I left home. After a light supper (when I noticed Veronica’s complaint had cleared up and she told me it was all down to DERM-OLE. I think she means DERMOLENE) and a tipple we went for a stroll alongside the beach. It was a beautiful evening and an amazing SUNSET.

We sat on the wall and I whipped up a piece of CONCEPTUAL ART; a charcoal sketch of the SUN, SEA AND SAND. Whilst Veronica gazed meaningfully out to sea. Unfortunately a strange thin lady with stringy hair and the wrong outfit was taking a surreptitious call on her mobile phone and in order for her husband not to hear, sidled up to Veronica’s rear. She was gabbling away over Veronica’s shoulder and poor Veronica said to me “I THINK I’VE GOT TIN-TIN-ITUS”

Yours Sandily



OO! ER! MATRON! What a fantastic woman. I have just met my first MATRON and what a ball of energy she was before you could say KENNETH WILLIAMS she had sorted my mother out, sorted me out and sorted out some care. At last I feel as if I have some support in caring for her. Before either my mother or I knew what was happening I was giving her a wash down. Although I didn’t go further than MIDDLE WALLOP and handed the soapy flannel to mother. She seemed to be enjoying herself in fact I had to prize the flannel out of her hand in order to re-soap and ask her to do THE BACK OF BEYOND.

After I had put on her fresh clean nightie I set her off back to the sitting room. She thought she would impress Matron with a little acrobatic display and careered off into the wall with a crash and sound effects but Matron cooly ignored this display. She carried on writing and mother carried on back to her chair.

After she had gone I shot off to have my hair cut, this was badly needed as I was beginning to feel like a younger version of CHER.

Arriving home for one of my rare visits dear Ronald had a large GIN & TONIC waiting. I sipped it whilst listening to the melodic cacocphany of the smoke alarms as he cooked me beans on toast.

Yours Ear-splittingly


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