INAPPROPRIATE READING

How much do I love my KINDLE? They are so much easier to read in bed than a book. I can increase the size of the print ( how good it would be if we could increase the size of things with the push of a button) which means I can read over Ronald’s shoulder without my glasses on, more romantic.

It was all fine until last night I was really engrossed, you know how it is when you are down to your last few pages “Kinsey was pressed up against the Xerox hardly daring to breathe. David and his GK9 was searching for her in the dark” BANG a mug of tea was SLAMMED down on my bedside table and Ronald stormed back out of the room. Well I didn’t know he had stopped.

This morning Ronald is sulking.

Yours In The Doghouse

Celia

LITHE MEDITERRANEAN TART

It wasn’t quite the same as our dear QUEENS but so similar it was difficult to spot the difference at Annabelle & Sebastian’s garden party. Unfortunately the sunny weather that we had been enjoying had deserted us, the wind was whistling at about 30 miles an hour and the rain was rattling through the gazebos. I was wearing my WELLINGTONS at Ronald’s insistence ( I thought he was over that phase) and my dogging coat. Gwendoline, Teresa and Juliet were huddled under a fleece-lined waterproof blanket. SUMMER IN ENGLAND.

We had only been there 5 minutes when Cora decided that she had had enough of sitting in a wobbly chair with wind and wanted to leave. Ronald ever the gentleman offered to give her a lift, “not with your back” was my first thought until I realised he meant in the car. They were just about to leave when Lydia jumped up startling Veronica who was attempting to eat some of my MEDITERRANEAN tart. Unfortunately Veronica also had a fistful of fudge and attempted to juggle flaky pastry, garlic, onions, mozzarella and fudge; the whole came together in a sloppy gloop. We all looked away as she dove in head first. Veronica thinks she might have a sugar addiction. Lydia wanted Ronald to take her home too.

As he walked away Ronald was explaining that he only had my Fiat and someone would have to go in the back, we just heard Lydia’s “It’s ok Ronald I’m very LITHE” as they disappeared up the path.

Ronald returned dazed and wobbly some time later. I’m hoping it was the WINE he had Imbibed.

Yours shiveringly

Celia

GINGER NUTS AND Y-FRONTS

This morning I took mothers book out of it’s Nike plastic bag; there was no way I was giving it to her with ‘Just Do It’ on the front. It might reinforce any ideas she might have.
As I pulled it out a receipt slipped out for HEAVY DUTY HAIR REMOVAL CREAM and a packet of GAULOISES. Hmm possibly Dolly’s, Miss Baines is so dried up that her follicles are too tight to release any hairs. Plus there was a strong smell and a few crumbs of MARZIPAN. Now I know for a fact that Miss Baines is partial to a BATTENBURG because Harold told me she brings it in one of those American style lunch-pails as they call them. We ladies would call it a lunch-box any way she has a padlock on it. I think the ladies had been perusing THE BOOK!

Arrived at mothers to find her in a bit of a state “the mists are descending over my eyes, my time has come”. She had opened the curtains and looked out of the window and it was all misty and blurred. Realised she had cleaned them with Windolene and forgotten to polish it off!

I polished off the windows with a clean cloth from the airing cupboard, it was only when I had finished I realised they were a pair of Y FRONTS, have no idea whose they were and didn’t ask.

Left her reading the book, dunking a GINGER NUT and with a big smile on her face.

Yours Concernedly

Celia

THERMAL VESTS AND HONITON LACE.

Embarrassed this morning. Harold the cross-dressing librarian rang to say my mothers book was in. Arrived at the library and immediately felt several pairs of eyes swivel my way. Miss Baines who will only issue books from the classics and thinks paperbacks should be used for toilet paper; looked at me over her half-rimmed glasses her wild grey hair escaping from her bun and her mouth pursed up like a pig’s bum. Dolly Dalrimple, dipped her head with it’s violet coloured curly wig atop and giggled uncontrollably. Not realising that as she bent over, her thermal vest parted from her wrinkled neck and exposed a hairy chest. Harold reached under the library counter and retrieved a plastic carrier bag with ‘Nike Just Do It’ on the front and handed it over as it if was a doggy poo bag.
I took the bag at the same time admiring Harold’s Honiton Lace gloves and opened it gingerly, peering inside I saw a large print book with the title “Fifty Shades of Grey”. My Mother the 83 years old sex-maniac, I wondered why she wanted that pattern for knitted hand-cuffs.

Yours Embarrassingly

Celia

Teresa comments

I think Little Barney is a very brave Bear. Celia I must tell you that today you would have been so proud of young Gwendoline and I. We have been rodding all morning! We did have two very strong chaps as our able assistants. And now our pipes that have been blocked for twenty years or more are running beautifully clear again. Such fun. But I confess to being rather worn out now, so have had to sit down for a regenerative early evening tipple.

COUNTRY CREAM FINISHES ME OFF

Interior painted
Ronald Finishes Me Off With Country Cream

What a hero Ronald is, he has erected my summerhouse whilst I painted most of the outside in ‘Pale Sage’,  Ronald finished it off and has painted my inside with country cream . Although we are in dispute.  I want some of my externals  picked out in country cream and Ronald so far is passively resisting. I have some ideas for my inside which includes some hand-painting, photos to follow.

Disaster,  the wool shop had run out of the wool I needed to complete Little Nanook’s blanket.  They may order some more but cannot promise. This may see me unpicking the border I have already sewn on and buying new wool, sigh.

2013.06.20 gemini & light blue teddies

Here are two new knitted bears, I still have to embroider noses and will now start on their clothes. Their personalities evolve as I am knitting them and every one is completely unique just like me

Yours Creamily

Celia

20130618-221755.jpg

Hoped to finish Little Nanook’s blanket last evening but disaster ran out of the Robin Hood green wool I was knitting for the border. Just one short side to go and I was short of wool and also a bit short tempered.

I shall jump into my little Fiat put the top down and head of into the sunshine for the wool shop, keeping my fingers crossed that they still have the colour.

A little tip, I have knitted some secret pockets in the blanket, so Little Nanook can hide his little treasures.

Had a shower and a shave before leaving but know that it doesn’t matter how careful I am, when the sun hits my shapely pins, there will be a row of stubble that I have missed!

Yours exasperatedly

Celia

GOOD VIBRATIONS

Last night I went for my weekly walk with my lady friend Gloria. It’s good exercise for our bodies and as we enjoy a good old chat and share the gossip at the same time.
Because it was so warm and humid, I wore some calf length loose cotton trousers and a vest top. Ronald always insists I take my mobile phone with me (I don’t know why he never has his switched on!) but I didn’t have anywhere to secrete it. I had put a bra on, I didn’t want knee-chafing. I remembered my daughter Camelia telling me that she shoves (excuse the unladylike word, it’s hers. She takes after her father) her mobile down her bra.

Now ladies I have a little secret to share with you. Shhh come close, no closer still. If you put your phone on vibrate and secrete it in your bra it has the most delightful effect when it goes off. I’m thinking of other interesting places.

I’m hoping to finish Little Nanook’s knitted blanket today. Look out for a photograph tomorrow.

Yours Vibratingly

Celia

QUEENS BIRTHDAY HONOURS

Ladies I fear there has been a grave mistake. Sitting sipping my Twinings Breakfast Tea in my Royal Albert bone china made in England “Silver Maple” cup and saucer. Daintily eating an organic buttery horny rolled triangle, crescent shaped, chocolate filled croissant, (Ronald prefers a bit of crumpet) in a high state of expectation; waiting to hear myself named in the Queens birthday honours list……….

Well ladies I cannot tell you how disappointed and let down I feel. Genuinely I thought this year I would receive my just deserts. ( no Ronald I don’t mean a Knickerbocker Glory). However I was pleased to see so many ladies on the list who have given so much to their local communities, charities and taken in vulnerable children amongst other things. There is always next year.

Yours disappointedly

Celia

That happened to me Celia last year. I had just sat down and unwrapped my corned beef and tomato sandwiches and cracked open my hard boiled egg, ( I always take a little picnic when I travel as I dont always want an exotic flat bread ) my flask was at the ready, and then i became aware of being watched. by the gentleman opposite. As I munched his stare became more intense, and when I pulled out my peach (which was, I admit, rather over ripe) ,he could hardly contain himself I have always attracted the opposite sex Celia, It can be a curse but i was only wearing my Wolf fleece and that usually covers my assets, I was glad when he got off so I cannot imagine why Virgin feel this is a suitable advert. it really is very uncomfortable when it happens to you.
Yours magnetically
Veronica

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