Birth Control

Ladies I write this little note as a warning to you all to be extra vigilant when shopping. I was a little tired after our shopping and gin trials yesterday, so omitted to put away all the shopping. This morning I was shocked to discover between the asparagus and the extra virgin olive oil a packet of what I can only describe as birth control garments. Now I am a wordly woman as I am sure you are all beginning to discover; but finding an ‘Intense Mutual Climax, Intimate feel, Sensual, Stimulating Pina Colada Love Box’ amongst my groceries threw me for a moment. Indeed I had to sit down abruptly and finish off the ‘French 75’ I had tested the previous evening.

How did these items find there way into my ladylike trolley, in fact all the unsavoury items go into Ronalds, such as toilet rolls, suppositories etc.

Now we all know that asking our other half a direct question is fraught with difficulties, we can see the different emotions whizzing through their eyes. They are thinking “is this a trick question?”,  is it something I had decided not to tell her?”, “is it something she doesn’t need to know?”,  “is it something I am going to get an ear-bashing for”, “can I put her off by saying something random?” or “shall I just deny everything?” and so on. The truth is gentlemen it does not matter what you say BECAUSE WE WILL ALWAYS FIND OUT THE TRUTH.

I called Ronald in from the summerhouse (I would make the interrogation brief in order not to hold up the erection) on the pretex of a cup of tea and a ‘Hob-Nob’. I slid the offending packet between the biscuits and passed him his tea. I am so glad reader that I have laminated oak flooring, as the tea sprayed from Ronald’s mouth at least a yard in every direction; luckily I had the mop ready for him to clear it up.

You will be pleased to know that Ronald had a perfectly good explanation. Apparently his idea is to put the, the, things onto the top of his bean canes as a safety precaution. Ronald says that the bright yellow colour will make them show up and prevent one from poking ones eye out.

I must say they looked rather gay blowing around in the breeze, unfortunately ‘Toffee’ our miniature schnauzer discovered a taste for Pina Colada and Ronald got quite hot and bothered chasing her around the garden trying to retrieve the thing. He is now using a longer pole much better in my opinion a short one always fails to come up to expectations.



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