Well at last ladies the summer has arrived, those tea-dresses can come out of the wardrobe and your Birkenstocks out of the shoe-closet. Do remember to wear a hat between 11.00am and 4.00pm, we do not want to look like Rod Stewart do we ladies.
Unfortunately some women have not a clue how a lady should dress in the summer.
My son Roland called in this afternoon bringing that woman with him; he’s such a disappointment to me. Typically she wore a strapless, backless, bottomless dress. When she bent over to stroke little Roley my miniature schnauzer, poor Ronald became quite agitated (he’s quite possessive about little Roley) he had to put his Caravan Monthly over his lap!
I made them a cup of tea but I’m sorry ladies I served Tetley in my Waitrose mugs. That woman wouldn’t appreciate Twinings in a vintage bone-china cup and saucer!
I didn’t mention my “Bring Back The Handkerchief” campaign, quite frankly she’s the sort that uses a piece of toilet paper and as for embroidering an initial she’s more likely to tattoo her initial on her knuckle.
Ladies I am starting a new campaign to ‘BRING BACK THE HANDKERCHIEF’.
Are we not fed up with pulling out our lovely black cashmere cardigans from the washing machine only to find a rogue tissue has hidden up the sleeve?
Are we not fed up with picking yucky tissues up from wherever they have fallen or been tossed?
Are we not fed up with all the cardboard and plastic packaging plus disposing of the things afterwards?
My mother has a habit of tucking them in her knickerleg; like she did when she was at school and at any unfortunate time of the day they would gradually work there way out and down her leg!
Let us bring back the handkerchief, it is eco friendly as it can be washed and used over and over again; it is pleasing to look at unlike a tissue after 3 seconds. More importantly ladies you can embroider your initial in the corner thereby showing off your needlework skills and if you happen to drop one in front of a gentleman an opportunity for him to strike up a conversation. You can even embroider a secret message to a loved one the world of handkerchiefs is open to many opportunities. Some are plain, some patterned and some are lace.
Ladies I rely on you to spread the word, you will find an army of ill-informed people who think a tissue is superior. Here is a little tale that proves my point.
I gave my 7 year old granddaughter Pocohontas (I blame Disney) a ‘Wallace & Gromet’ handkerchief which she loves. She has been suffering from hayfever and took her favouritehandkerchief to school to deal with her runny nose. During the day the teacher called out and asked her what she was doing; she explained that she was wiping her nose. The teacher then confiscated her handkerchief, saying it was a distraction, leaving her with the only option open to her; wiping her nose on her sleeve. We have all had to deal with those green-sleaves have we not we ladies?
Since when was a handkerchief a distraction, a mobile phone yes, an ipod yes, a Tarantula yes but a handkerchief!
So ladies I urge you all join the campaign ‘Bring Back The Handkerchief’
Yours Blowing Gently
The summerhouse reaches new heights as the roof goes on.
Well done Ronald
Ladies, ladies, I do believe you have misunderstood Ronalds intentions. I thought it was only men who thought about that subject every so often throughout the day. What were you thinking ladies?
Whilst we are in that area, I must tell you that Veronica & I went to see Alan Carr; in fact I took him a present. I knitted him a man-bag, he was thrilled although I’m not sure he knew what it was because his dog came on in the second half wearing it around his neck. A bit like a city version of a St Bernard.
Ladies the way to a man’s heart is to knit him a garment (Ronald still treasures his knitted cashmere gentlemen’s undergarments) or accessory. Ladies I was shocked when Alan asked me if I had a vajazzle, Veronica had to explain what is was (her daughter sent her on a course and I’m not sure how but she gained the knowledge) I told him at my age Alan it’s more of a comb-over!
I am sure ladies you are like myself and only prefer something soft and floppy not something hard and knobbly around our lady-gardens, so I am thinking of knitting some lace-weight Alpacca French Knickers. I will keep you updated.
Yours Needle Clickingly
Ronald is being persistent. I have tried diverting him, usually easiest, is putting a copy of Caravan Monthly next to his rich, aromatic, Italian blend ground by a millstone in the Tuscany hills by moody Italians and a Hob-Nob. But to no avail; he has this juvenile fantasy that just will not go away. So I have suggested we discuss it.
What is going on with that woman who was in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’? Has she no idea how a lady of mature years should act? I am all for a lady making the best of herself and I am not immune to a smidgen of help in irradiating the grey hairs; Helen Mirren I am not! But why does she have to do the moody sex siren act, swishing hair whilst trying to look sexily over her shoulder in the hair dye advert? This is not attractive and it is not sexy and it is doing a disservice to the rest of the sisterhood and she has probably been airbrushed.
Ladies I will share with you the secret of remaining a lady but also embodying that inner and outer attraction of those bygone true stars such as Audrey Hepburn, Vanessa Redgrave and Dianna Dors.
Ronald is making suggestions. I have been ignoring them. I know he is building the summerhouse for me but I would rather show my appreciation in other ways.
Yours in hiding
Well as you can see the summerhouse is progressing, I have been cracking the whip; there’s Ronald waiting for more. Instructions I mean of course! I always think a man is much happier when he follows instructions unless of course he is building a flat-pack kit and then they cast the instructions aside declaring “I don’t need those, I’ve been building things for years”. It doesn’t take long before us ladies have to rescue them and show them where A goes into B and how much easier if a little lubricant is applied; then screw tightly but not too quickly ensuring that the nut is fully engaged before that last twist.
Sometimes I find it’s better to do it on my own when Ronalds not around.