Hirsute Roley is looking for the helicopter that just circled the garden.
IT’S BEHIND YOU ROLEY!
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, does ABSENCE MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER? I hope so as I have been sadly neglecting you but in my defense I have been rather busy.
1. Writing the village PANTOMIME ready to cast in December. (I am up to the interval, so ‘head down’ as Ronald often tells me.) To clarify for my COLONIAL friends, a PANTOMIME is a show where the men dress up as women the women dress up as men, someone dresses up as an animal, the dialogue is full of INNUENDO and DOUBLE ENTENDRES there is singing and dancing and general hilarity.
2. I have been concentrating on writing my book.
3. I have been watching STRICTLY COME DANCING (this year the women are more covered up and I’m pleased to say the men are not!)
4. I have been KNITTING and SEWING for the VILLAGE ANNUAL SHOW.
5. Ronald and I had to make a mercy dash to WAITROSE as my dear friend Veronica the well known and famous FORRAGER, was hosting an event and had forgotten her SHAGGY INK-CAPS. We didn’t have much time so we popped into the CO-OP and bought some CHESTNUT MUSHROOMS reduced becuse they were past their sell-by date.They were a bit bruised so looked a bit inky.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, please look away if this picture offends you but this is a pair of rather lovely LA PERLA silk FRENCH KNICKERS and I am sure we can all enjoy the beautiful design and fine quality.
I mention them here because an incident occurred when one of my pantomime cast POPPED IN to show me her costume which she then POPPED OUT of!
If flipping the DRESS top up and down revealing her BLACK BRASSIERE wasn’t enough she then proceeded to bend over and flash her FRENCH KNICKERS asking if this was OK.
Poor Ronald hadn’t been expecting this, he had just sat down with a cup of COFFEE and a GINGER NUT to watch the news.
He hasn’t been the same since and he has woken me up a few times in the night muttering FRENCH KNICKERS.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL.
What FESTIVE FUN AND FROLICS Ronald and I have enjoyed throughout the advent season; that may have been because A lot of it was spent separately. I dimly remember putting the WORLD to rights (well I hope that’s all I did) after a few gins with the CHEF, the ENGINEER and the UNDERTAKER at our local CLUB.
I am now up to my DOUBLE ENTENDRES in DIRECTING the PARISH PANTOMIME. Oh no your not -oh yes I am. ( I apologise to my colonial readers who struggle to understand the concept).
Practicing THE CAN-CAN and the PONCHO.
I think I’m having some sort of CRISIS, I am knitting a PONCHO!
When I mentioned it to my dear friend Veronica she said ” I like a poncho as long as you don’t look like CLINT EASTWOOD”.
Yours Go Ahead and Make My Dayedly
FALLING OVER JUICE, DAD’S FROCK & MY HOOCHIE -COOCHIE
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I apologise for my absence, I only hope as the saying goes ‘ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER”.
In my defense I have been up to my HOOCHIE-COOCHIE in the pantomime. “OH NO YOU HAVEN’T!” “OH YES I HAVE!”.
We start at 6.00 putting on the MAKE-UP and there is nearly always a RUGBY SCRUM between the men as to who gets in the MAKE-UP CHAIR first. What is it with men and make-up, it is always the same whatever production I am in or DIRECTING.
TO be perfectly honest we all love the DRESSING-UP, the make-up and becoming a different character but the men just cannot wait to put a FROCK AND MAKE-UP on and heaven forbid you try and put a different eyeshadow colour on them!
It makes for some interesting conversations such as “Chloe if you bring your DAD’S FROCK up I can do the alterations”. “Stuart, you have BLUE EYESHADOW or PINK ?”
They are an amazing bunch of people and their AGES RANGE FROM 4 YEARS OLD TO 90 YEARS OLD. It is a joy to watch them come together over the 7 weeks of rehearsals bonding into this enthusiastic cast. They support and help each other and we all have so much FUN which is a commodity worth its wait in gold. A great VILLAGE EVENT and we have our last performance this evening.
There is a quantity of ‘FALLING OVER” juice consumed throughout the week’s run (only by the adults of course) so next week I shall be ABSTAINING. This may make me a little GRUMPY so I apologise in advance if I am a little ACERBIC.
Oh no it isn’t! – Oh yes it is! – PANTS! That unfortunately was the pantomime rehearsal last night. I know that sounds harsh but it is the truth. Quite a few of the cast had been to a wedding the night before so they were tired.
Some of the young people stood on stage as if they were waiting to go in to see the dentist and wouldn’t smile in case he WHIPPED OUT their teeth.
I reminded them that we had just over two weeks to go before the first performance. Hopefully everyone will be BRIGHT-EYED AND BUSHY-TAILED for Tuesday’s nights rehearsal.
My dear ladies and occasional gentlemen, some of you will remember my problems with my ELECTRICITY provider. I have changed to a new provider and it seems that the previous company had mixed up my day and night rate, so we have been charged the wrong amount at a higher rate. I changed over in November and the two companies are still in negotiations.
I have still to be contacted by my previous provider even though they acknowledged my complaint last June 2013. It has taken what seems like hours on the telephone to try and sort out. CUSTOMER SERVICE!
We seem to be using enough ELECTRICITY to light up BUCKINGHAM PALACE!
I am not sure what the outcome will be but I can probably GUARANTEE we will still be the losers
GREEN COFFEE BEANS, GNASHING OF TEETH & SPAM
Oh dear poor Veronica, SHE HAS BEEN SPAMMED !
I must admit, my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I was rather SURPRISED to receive an e-mail about ‘GREEN COFFEE BEANS’ being a wonder WEIGHT LOSS AID.
What I thought was Veronica implying? That I needed to lose weight? And who is DR OZ who had promoted these WONDER BEANS on his TELEVISION show?
It was a puzzle but not one I could deal with as I have been busy making a ROMANTIC ‘MR DARCY’ type shirt all day for ‘Mellors’ in the PANTOMIME. You will be pleased to know I finished it in time for this evenings rehearsal, where I was going to fit it on ‘Mellors’ but on arrival his wife proudly showed me a shirt SHE had made last night! She was so pleased with herself and thought she had been helping. So you will also be pleased to know I didn’t WHACK her around the ears with my shirt as I am a lady. I kept mine hidden in my bag, GRRRH, GNASHING OF TEETH!
Checking FACEBOOK on my arrival home, I see a message from Veronica explaining that her account had been HIJACKED and SPAMMED. What a relief, she can’t think I need to lose weight after all. I’m off to make a cup of tea and open a bag of MALTESERS.
FROCKS, TIFFEN & TOOL
As you can see I have finished three PRINCESS FROCKS. For two of them I gathered some VOILE into a rose and attached to the skirt, the other end I gathered into a ROSE and attached to an elastic wrist band, so that when they dance the fabric will billow. The third dress I attached the fabric to each shoulder, then gathered the other end into a ROSE and attached to a wrist band.
I am now tackling the DAME’S FROCK and I have stitched a curtain wire into the bottom to make it swing out. It was a little to long and needed to be cut. I could not manage on my own and had to ask Ronald to get his TOOL out. Tomorrow I need to make bulky swags to attach.
This morning I visited one of my lady friends, she is an ARTIST and has kindly agreed to paint the PRINCESSES BED for the PANTOMIME, with twenty MATTRESSES and twenty QUILTS. She served COFFEE and TIFFIN how tasty. I suggested that she start her own BLISS as I am sure you would love to see some of her beautiful PICTURES and other ART WORK. I will show you the finished bed.