PHILIP’S PRINCELY MIXED GARDEN OF DELIGHTS

PHILIP’S PRINCELY MIXED GARDEN OF DELIGHTS
My dear friend HER MAJ telephoned yesterday, she had been ROYAL SILVER SURFING and catching up with my little ‘BLISS’. She was concerned bless her about Ronald’s RAISED VEGETABLE BED, as it reminded her of an incident with dear PHIIP.
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Apparently he had been planning a BIRTHDAY SURPRISE, how sweet and had decided to order some of her favourite FLOWERING PLANTS for her PRIVATE LADYGARDEN.

She tells me he is not terribly O FAY with the INTERNET but decided to place an order ONLINE using VOICE SPEAK.

The order duly arrived much quicker than dear PHILIP had expected and containing goods that he definitely WASN’T.

He had ordered a selection of one of HER MAJ’S favourite flowers the LUPIN. Choosing colours close to her heart:
32. COLONIES CREAM
19. SUNSET OVER SCOTLAND
23. ROYAL SCARLET
29. GORDON’S GREEN
36. ASCOT BLUE
16. CORGI CARAMEL
21. STAG’S HEAD HEATHER

Dear PHILIP was expecting the delivery in about 10 days, so imagine his SURPRISE when it turned up that evening on the back of a LAMBRETTA!
A number:

32. CRISPY AROMATIC DUCK
19. KUNG PAO CHICKEN
23. BEEF FRANK IN A BLACK BEAN SAUCE
29. MUSHROOM FOO YOUNG
36. A VEGETABLE SAMOSA
16. SOME SINGAPORE NOODLES
21. AND A BLACK FOREST GATEAU

HER MAJ discovered that he had called ‘LU-PIN’S GARDEN OF DELIGHTS’ CHINESE RESTAURANT instead of ‘LUPINS GARDEN OF DELIGHTS NURSERY’

Oh my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, how we LAUGHED, well I did, HER MAJ just TINKLED ROYALY.

Yours Chuckling

Celia

COSMETIC CITRUS TART RHINOPLASTY

COSMETIC CITRUS TART RHINOPLASTY

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman I write whilst looking like this…..
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There was an INCIDENT whilst packing our bags at TESCOS checkout. This wouldn’t have happened if we had been in WAITROSE!

We had popped out for a quick shop and whilst at the checkout packing our bags, Ronald WACKED me on the nose with a BOX OF TWO LEMON CITRUS TARTS!

I am taking his word that it was an ACCIDENT.

Yours Nosely

Celia

SPRING FAYRE, GLOSSY MUMMYS & DAISYS

SPRING FAYRE, GLOSSY MUMMYS & DAISYS
What fun my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, Ronald and I have been spending a few days in the COTSWOLDS, with my lovely daughter-in-law and son.

On Friday we attended a SPRING FAYRE in the garden of a very lovely lady, who opened her home and garden for the event in aid of the local CHURCH.

What a lot of YUMMY-MUMMYS and how LOVELY, GLOSSY and BEAUTIFULLY dressed they were. Tripping about amongst the flowers and over the miniature MOAT. Dangling their ROSY-CHEEKED babies and watching their DARLING CHILDREN chase amongst the DAISYS.

PONY-RIDES, name the twin LAMBS and a RAFFLE plus a lovely lunch or TEA and CAKES were on offer, all whilst the SUN was thankfully shining.

Enjoying a lively chat on the lawn with some of the LOVELY LADIES, whilst waiting for the RAFFLE to be drawn, I heard the magic words “I THINK IT’S WINE O’CLOCK” , as WINE GLASSES, ICE-CUBES and WINE appeared. It was only 3 O’Clock perfect.

Yours Springily

Celia

TABLE-TOPS, HOT KNOBS & BANANAS

TABLE-TOPS, HOT KNOBS & BANANAS

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, My dear friend Veronica and I stepped into the RETAIL world when we booked a table at the hall next to SAINSBURYS for a TABLE-TOP SALE.

Ron the organiser, explained over the phone that we were to put our sale items in a SAINSBURYS trolley and make our way to the rear entrance.

Veronica asked if we could just carry our goods in. Decidedly not. According to Ron The only way is to transport the goods in a SUPERMARKET trolley.

We duly parked and collected a trolley each, loaded up and made our way to the rear. Where we joined a collection of trolleys and a DISTRAUGHT Ron. Apparently the over 80′s GAY GORDONS CLUB had overrun, there were vague mutterings and accusations of the EARL-GRAY being SPIKED. But the upshot was poor Ron had no tables ready.

We joined the throng, there was a bit of POSTURING and PUSHING as people tried to maintain their position and some distinctly unfriendly glares. Which I turned away from and found myself face to face with a very pleasant lady and we chatted while we waited.

We had nearly unpacked every thing, when a young lady accosted us and said “this is my table”. It’s a very competitive business, the table-top sale!

Ron bless him soon sorted things out and we were able to stay where we were. I was selling a rather smart LINEN skirt and discussed the joys of linen and my price with a woman, she then gave me a superior smile and said “it is too big for me” and walked off.

A little lady tottered up and asked “does your knob get hot?” It took me a while to realise she was talking about a TEAPOT!

“I’m not sure” I said. That’s another sale lost but it was OK because two very nice young men came along a little later and bought it. I’m sure they have LADYLIKE tea parties.

Veronica nudged me and directed my gaze to the older ladies across the way, “old ladies eat a lot of bananas don’t they?” I must say it wasn’t something I had noticed before, but now that she had mentioned it, yes they do.
Poor Veronica had to intervene between two customers who were fighting for the same spot and a loud man shouted in my ear “what’s the damage? I hadn’t a clue as to what he meant. Veronica interpreted that he wanted to know how much the FRIDGE MAGNETS were. “10p” I told him

“Humph,” he said walking away, last of the big spenders!

A man requested a price for a huge plastic tub of TAPESTRY wool and a tapestry. We agreed a price and off he went across to the banana eating ladies, there was a lot of discussion and then he came back, “Is this something a MAN can do” he asked

Not being sure if he meant eating the bananas but opting for the tapestry, I reassured him “Of course, lots of men knit and sew, there is equality in most things now you know, so if you want to you can”.

There were many incidents but I have just realised that I have been chuntering on so I had better go.

Yours Saleswomanly

Celia

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BALLCOCKS & COCONUTS

BALLCOCKS & COCONUTS that my dear ladies and occasional gentleman is not something you hear in every day conversation. But I was at my monthly CRAFTING CLUB casually knitting the sleeve of my daughter-in-Law’s jacket when the subject came up.

You see we are planning to hold a Traditional Fete in the summer with all those great games; COCONUT SHY, CROCKERY SMASHING, WELLY WANGING, TUG-O-WAR etc. BUT we don’t have any money, we are trying to raise it, to buy a new STAGE for our VILLAGE HALL.

So dear Gwendoline who has a reputation for TOOL HANDLING has kindly offered to make the COCONUT SHY. Trying to construct the CUPS, Gwendoline has tested various items but without success.

This afternoon whilst sipping TEA and slip one knit one, it came to me BALLCOCKS! If you cut them in half they would make ideal cups for the COCONUTS and Gwendoline can MOUNT them, which I am sure she will enjoy!

She went straight home and produced this
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Gwendoline is now STALKING the village PLUMBER as she tries to get her hands on his BALLCOCKS!

Yours Fetely

Celia

MOTHER’S DAY, MUSCATO & HERMAPHRODITES

MOTHER’S DAY, MUSCATO & HERMAPHRODITES

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, my day started with this…….
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A MOTHER’S DAY card, a lovely thought but I just wish I had shut the BATHROOM door before weighing myself! I have obviously scarred my darling son for life.

In the afternoon my dear friend Veronica and I went to a MOTHER’S DAY VINTAGE TEA. As all our offspring were absent we went together and were treated to delicious savouries and fabulous cakes.

We WADDLED back to my lovely SUMMERHOUSE where Veronica pulled from her RECEPTACLE A bottle of SPARKLING PINK MUSCATO. Apparently it was a gift from a young SOAP KITTEN. We thought it would be rude not to drink it, so we did.

There was a disturbing moment when Veronica declared herself a HERMAPHRODITE!

I can only assume it was something to do with the PINK DRINK! The word just seemed to bubble up with the MUSCATO. There were a few moments of complete silence until we both collapsed with the giggles.
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Yours Bubbily

Celia

SUBTERRANEAN SHALLOTTS

SUBTERRANEAN SHALLOTTS

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, SHALLOTTS, it’s time to plant them. There is nothing tastier in your WINTER STEW than SHALLOTTS.

If you PLANT them now, PULL them in the Autumn, PLAIT them and HANG them in your shed. you can enjoy them over the winter.

All good so far but the problem lies in the fact I am still waiting for the garden in the front of the house to be fenced. Then I can have a RAISED VEGETABLE BED. So I had a little grumble to Ronald whilst showing him a picture of what was required and off he went to his shed. There was a lot of banging and screwing which Ronald is very fond of.

So now we have the constructed raised bed, we just have to place it in the garden. Now I can see a fairly WEED free rectangle that looks perfect but no Ronald decides to place it the opposite way, against a hedge with the weedy ground sloping away and where I won’t be able to get around it.

WE HAVE WORDS.

When the construction is in the right place Ronald takes a PICK-AXE and starts digging a long trench.

“What’s that for ” I ask

“To fit the box in” says Ronald, starting on the next tench.

“But it’s supposed to be a raised bed” says I

“It will be fine trust me” says Ronald knocking the edges even deeper into the ground.

So now I have a SUBTERRANEAN RAISED BED as you can see here.
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AND THIS IS WHAT I PUT IN IT!

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Yours Satisfiedly

Celia

LADYGARDEN STYLE! CONSIDERED, BUT NOT COMPULSARY

imageLADYGARDEN STYLE, CONSIDERED BUT NOT COMPULSARY.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, let us talk HAIRSTYLES. Shall we forget KIM JONG IL? The BABY-FACED GRIM LEADER LOOK is not very flattering is it?

Let’s be honest who would voluntarily want the same hairstyle as young Kim, apart from SIMON COWELL of course. Which is presumably why it was sent out as a directive.

So I am starting my very own trend ‘THE LADYGARDEN STYLE’. I can feel the VIBRATIONS over the MICROWAVES your EXCITED by the thought of it aren’t you?

So here dear ladies and occasional gentleman is a picture of me ( oh yes it is) in my dear friend Veronica’s kitchen assisting with a little BATH-BOMB creativity.

If you look carefully you will see my LOVELY LADY face has been painted out.
This is so that you can put your own face in. Then HEY PRESTO you have a LADYGARDEN STYLE.

So come on my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, JOIN IN THE FUN add your face onto my picture for your LADYGARDEN STYLE.

Yours Bouffantly

Celia