NEVER ASSUME

I have fallen out with my dear friend Veronica.

She asked Ronald to come around and LOOK at her CRACK!

I was SHOCKED and took UMBRIDGE to this BOLD INTIMATE request, what a HUSSY!

I thought she was my friend and a LADY!

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I tell you this SAD tale as a warning.

NEVER ASSUME!

It turns out, she was DECORATING and had a CRACK in the plastered wall for which she wanted advice on how to deal with it.

Yours Embarrassedly

Celia

Dear Celia, I have just found Ronald’s knob in my car. I think it fell off the rail I borrowed yesterday. I am now tackling my crack. I am ‘doing it myself’! Ronald said to gouge and fill. Yours Veronica

The Red Carpet

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How exciting I have been nominated for a ‘Blog’ award, I think in this instance I must ignore the vulgar word.

A new reader to my little Bliss nominated me a dear lady called Silver Threads (what were her parents thinking).

According to the rules I have to list seven things about myself and nominate another. So here goes.

1. I am lucky enough to have Her Majesty as one of my dearest friends
2. I am lucky enough to have the same husband now as I did in the beginning
3. I am lucky enough to have 3 children who live in different parts approx 3 1/2 hrs drive away
4. I am lucky enough to have been locked on Brighton Pier with The Rolling Stones
5. I am lucky enough to have sung in the Albert Hall, London
6. I am lucky enough to perform with The Fannys, Fannying Around
7. I am lucky enough to write scripts, stories, pantomimes and my little bliss.
I nominate thedrunkencyclist.com

Yours Awardedly

Celia

I HAVE NEVER HAD AN ORGASM EATING A YOGHURT!

Watching the veg grow

I HAVE NEVER HAD AN ORGASM EATING A YOGHURT! Or when SHAMPOOING my hair in an ECONOMY FLIGHT TOILET!

HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD?

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I am no PRUDE as I am sure you will agree and I think my sense of humour is still intact but really do we need to see NICOLE SCHERZINGER purporting to experience an orgasm by eating YOGHURT?

Although hers is so brief it hardly seems worth the effort. I’m sure you’ll agree my dear ladies (sorry not you, occasional gentleman) but if we are going to go through all that effort, it should at least LAST LONGER than just the time it takes to SWALLOW!

And while I am having a RANT what about the ‘ARTFUL’ dob of YOGHURT on her nose? She is not 5 years old, she is a WOMAN of 36. There seems to be a PLETHORA of YOGHURT adverts, how many different types of YOGHURT do we need?

Yours Yoghurtly

Celia

P.S. Ronald has just pointed out that my penultimate paragraph may have a second connotation. I am not sure what he means but just to be sure I meant of course one swallow of yoghurt.

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P.P.P.S I might take some of my words back, I have just discovered they have named a Yoghurt after my little ‘Bliss’. C

THE CAVALIERS BALLS!

THE CAVALIERS BALLS!

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My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I must confess the guilt lies heavily in my hands, the CAVALIERS BALLS. I didn’t mean to, it just happened, I looked down and there they were!

I know what you are all thinking that’s what every THIEF says trying to explain their DODGY BEHAVIOUR. BUT IT’S TRUE.

You may remember the wonderful TORRINGTON CAVALIERS kindly donated a large MARQUEE for our CHARITY fundraiser. Just in case nobody NOTICED the GIRT GREAT TENT and in the interests of ELF-N-SAFETY they had pushed TENNIS BALLS onto the stakes holding the guide ropes into the ground.

After the event HURRICANE BERTHA turned up, luckily for us LATE FOR THE FETE but she was upset about this and decided to TOSS THE BALLS.

I RESCUED the scattered balls from all over the field but forgot all about them until Ronald asked the question “whose balls are these?”

So dear CAVALIERS if you are searching for your BALLS they are in my LADYGARDEN.

Yours Guiltily

Celia

OAP CARROTS!

OAP CARROTS!

My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, as a LADY of a CERTAIN AGE with a BIRTHDAY on the HORIZON, I was a little DISCONCERTED when my DELIGHTFUL granddaughter whilst assisting me in preparing dinner by SCRAPING the CARROTS, declared.

“I’m not scraping this CARROT it’s an OAP! It’s got WRINKLES & CRINKLES!”

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Yours Deflatedly

Celia

FRUSTRATION

FRUSTRATION! Dear ladies and the occasional gentleman, is it just me or do you also get FRUSTRATED?

I HATE going to the DOCTORS and will avoid it at all costs but sometimes it is inevitable. I GIRDED MY LOINS and rang to make an appointment, this is how it went.

“Doctors surgery, xxxxxxx here how can I help you?”
“I would like to make an appointment to see Dr xxxxxx”
“Dr xxxx is in today but I cannot make you an appointment”
” Is she in tomorrow?”
“Yes”
“Can I make an appointment please”
” No”
“Oh why is that?”
“You need to ring at 8.00am tomorrow and try to book one of the available slots”
“Can’t I make the appointment now?”
“No, you need to ring in the morning”

The next morning I duly rang at 8.00am. Unfortunately the WHOLE WORLD & HIS WIFE was also ringing to make one of the ELUSIVE available slots.

Is it just me or do you also experience the FRUSTRATION of trying to see a DOCTOR?

Yours Frustratedly

Celia