THE CAVALIERS BALLS!
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I must confess the guilt lies heavily in my hands, the CAVALIERS BALLS. I didn’t mean to, it just happened, I looked down and there they were!
I know what you are all thinking that’s what every THIEF says trying to explain their DODGY BEHAVIOUR. BUT IT’S TRUE.
You may remember the wonderful TORRINGTON CAVALIERS kindly donated a large MARQUEE for our CHARITY fundraiser. Just in case nobody NOTICED the GIRT GREAT TENT and in the interests of ELF-N-SAFETY they had pushed TENNIS BALLS onto the stakes holding the guide ropes into the ground.
After the event HURRICANE BERTHA turned up, luckily for us LATE FOR THE FETE but she was upset about this and decided to TOSS THE BALLS.
I RESCUED the scattered balls from all over the field but forgot all about them until Ronald asked the question “whose balls are these?”
So dear CAVALIERS if you are searching for your BALLS they are in my LADYGARDEN.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, as a LADY of a CERTAIN AGE with a BIRTHDAY on the HORIZON, I was a little DISCONCERTED when my DELIGHTFUL granddaughter whilst assisting me in preparing dinner by SCRAPING the CARROTS, declared.
“I’m not scraping this CARROT it’s an OAP! It’s got WRINKLES & CRINKLES!”
FRUSTRATION! Dear ladies and the occasional gentleman, is it just me or do you also get FRUSTRATED?
I HATE going to the DOCTORS and will avoid it at all costs but sometimes it is inevitable. I GIRDED MY LOINS and rang to make an appointment, this is how it went.
“Doctors surgery, xxxxxxx here how can I help you?”
“I would like to make an appointment to see Dr xxxxxx”
“Dr xxxx is in today but I cannot make you an appointment”
” Is she in tomorrow?”
“Can I make an appointment please”
“Oh why is that?”
“You need to ring at 8.00am tomorrow and try to book one of the available slots”
“Can’t I make the appointment now?”
“No, you need to ring in the morning”
The next morning I duly rang at 8.00am. Unfortunately the WHOLE WORLD & HIS WIFE was also ringing to make one of the ELUSIVE available slots.
Is it just me or do you also experience the FRUSTRATION of trying to see a DOCTOR?
THE FASTEST ERECTION IS POETRY IN MOTION, my dear ladies and occasional gentleman.My friends and I are organising a VINTAGE style FETE and CRAFT FAYRE. The big EVENT is tomorrow!
The lovely gentlemen from THE GREAT TORRINGTON CAVELIERS arrived last evening and like POETRY IN MOTION performed the FASTEST ERECTION it has been my honour to witness.
Here they are in ACTION.
EYE-PATCH FOR A MINON WEDDING
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, this week I have only been venturing out in DARK GLASSES. Well it has been SUNNY I hear you say and you would be right! That however is not the reason I am wearing SUNGLASSES and only going out after DARK.
I have turned into a MINION!
I HAVE ONE RED-EYE and not in a PHOTOGRAPH!
It was a present from WALES, I think I would have rather had a STICK OF ROCK.
The timing is perfect I am going to a WEDDING next week!
If any of you have an EYE-PATCH for OCCASION WEAR, please please may I borrow it?
SOMETHING FISHY IN THE LADYGARDEN! Yes my dear ladies and occasional gentleman I must confess to there being something fishy in the LADYGARDEN.
But WHERE was it and more importantly WHAT was it?
I first noticed it in the kitchen and after following the SCENT like a BLOODHOUND, I realised I had to VENTURE further. Into the UTILITY room.
It had a distinctly FISHY AROMA which stopped me DEAD!
Was I FOLLOWING the SCENT or was the SCENT FOLLOWING me?
Oh the RELIEF when I spotted the CULPRITS.
Oh the things you do for your GRANDCHILDREN.
These CACOTOPIA CANCRIFORMS have been removed from the premises!
VIGIL FOR FRUITY VAGILITY!
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I fear Ronald is a little PREVIOUS. Since our return from BEAUTIFUL WELSH WALES to the EQUALLY BEAUTIFUL DEVON he has held a VIGIL.
Not a great FRUIT lover, being more of a VEGETABLE man I have had to work hard to convince him of the MERITS of GROWING our own FRUIT.
Having given in and PLANTED the STICKS, he now SITS and awaits the FIRST FRUIT!