OPEN WIDE my dear ladies and occasional gentleman. Now now let’s not get SMUTTY, besides I refuse to get down on my knees at my age.
No, today I had my 6 month appointment with the HYGIENIST and DENTIST, which I am sure like many of you struck FEAR in my HEART and BOWELS.
The HYGIENIST was very gentle and I survived to go on to see the DENTIST. Once inside the door and before he had me horizontal I GROWLED at him “I have three things to say”
- I haven’t SLEPT properly for 3 WEEKS!
- I am experiencing a high level of PAIN!
- I am going to WRITE my BLISS today about my visit to YOU!
He shot back in his wheelie chair and looked far more NERVOUS than I felt.
p.s. This is what I woke up to this morning, definitely compensation for the dentist
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, we have purchased a SLOW COOKER. Little did I know how SLOW it would be.
Ronald was infused with DESIRE to create a meal from his SLOW COOK, COOK BOOK, a gift for his birthday from our son and daughter-in-law.
He chose a BEEF HOTPOT for his first CULINARY ADVENTURE and carefully scribed a shopping list before heading off to the shops.
He started preparing at 12.30. At about 4.30 pm there was a HAPPY EJACULATION as he thought he had finished preparing the vegetables. Followed by a WILTING as he realized he had forgotten the potatoes.
This was when the RED WINE came out which helped him slice through to 6.00 pm when he was ready for SWITCH ON!
We ate our BEEF HOTPOT the next day and it was DELICIOUS.
SLOW COOKERS, on the DOWNSIDE you must plan ahead, on the UPSIDE the food is DELICIOUS and it keeps ones husband OCCUPIED for 5 + hours.
MANAGER OF PYJAMAS
Yes my dear ladies and occasional gentleman, there is such a thing.
Overheard whilst I was divesting myself of my clothing and wishing I hadn’t worn tight DENIM JEGGINGS which were now around my ankles like two TOURNIQUETS. Beginning to panic as I failed to remove the things and wishing I had used a disabled changing room with a seat. And yes I was in a changing room, not STRIPPING OFF in the middle of the store, when I overhead a telephone conversation between a customer and a staff member.
“Just hold on a moment and I will fetch the MANAGER OF NIGHTWEAR”
“Hello, I’m the MANAGER OF NIGHTWEAR how can I help you?”
“I’m very sorry, I can’t answer your question, you need the MANAGER OF PYJAMAS.”
Who knew this was a career option?
Hirsute Roley is looking for the helicopter that just circled the garden.
IT’S BEHIND YOU ROLEY!
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, does ABSENCE MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER? I hope so as I have been sadly neglecting you but in my defense I have been rather busy.
1. Writing the village PANTOMIME ready to cast in December. (I am up to the interval, so ‘head down’ as Ronald often tells me.) To clarify for my COLONIAL friends, a PANTOMIME is a show where the men dress up as women the women dress up as men, someone dresses up as an animal, the dialogue is full of INNUENDO and DOUBLE ENTENDRES there is singing and dancing and general hilarity.
2. I have been concentrating on writing my book.
3. I have been watching STRICTLY COME DANCING (this year the women are more covered up and I’m pleased to say the men are not!)
4. I have been KNITTING and SEWING for the VILLAGE ANNUAL SHOW.
5. Ronald and I had to make a mercy dash to WAITROSE as my dear friend Veronica the well known and famous FORRAGER, was hosting an event and had forgotten her SHAGGY INK-CAPS. We didn’t have much time so we popped into the CO-OP and bought some CHESTNUT MUSHROOMS reduced becuse they were past their sell-by date.They were a bit bruised so looked a bit inky.
RED FOR DANGER – GREEN FOR GO but not if you are Ronald, bless him.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I asked Ronald if he would collect any ripe and yellow tomatoes from the garden for me. They would finish ripening in the window. The lovely warm and sunny weather we have been enjoying here in Devon was about to end and I didn’t want them to end up on the ground for the slugs to enjoy.
This is what he picked.
According to Ronald these are all red tomatoes, he left the green ones (but really yellow) on the plant.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, what larks this morning, indeed Ronald and I were up with the LARKS as we were due early for our annual flu jabs, at our local surgery.
It was touch and go as to whether Ronald could have his as he has had an allergic reaction and his eyes are swollen.
Back at home both punctured and patched we headed outdoors as the weather is glorious.
I intended to WRITE with occasional bits of gardening in between.Ronald decides he is going to clear weeds in the paving with a STANLEY KNIFE but needs a new blade. After attempting but failing to pull the top off he tries various items of CUTLERY before he goes for his HAMMER, at which point I intervene in the hope of avoiding another injury. Oh did I mention that Ronald has BROKEN his WRIST!
I managed to get the top off quite easily with a KNITTING NEEDLE, a reason everyone should learn to KNIT, it does come in handy in all sorts of situations. There was a tiny little knob that had to be depressed (you would be depressed if you had one like that!) before the lid came off.
I am on alert as I sit here and write as with his swollen eyes and vision impaired, a STANLEY KNIFE and a BROKEN WRIST, anything could happen!
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, LET’S DO THE TIME-WARP AGAIN.
What a fantastic, FUNNY, SEXY, show, (who can resist a man in a basque, suspenders and stockings. It’s given me ideas for Ronald’s birthday which is approaching) with an AMAZING CAST who handled the very vocal heckling audience with aplomb.
At times the heckling was so funny the actors had to pause to compose themselves which all added to the enjoyment.
Oh what feelings ROCKY aroused in us ladies, he really was a ‘CHARLES ATLAS’ of a man in his tiny LEOPARD PRINT pants. I have never seen PRESS-UP STAR JUMPS before.
And how impressive is RICHARD O’BRIEN reprising his show after 43 years.
I am sorry to say that at the THEATRE we attended for the live performance had a very CONSERVATIVE audience and WE WERE the ONLY FOUR PEOPLE TO DRESS UP!
Not only that but most averted their eyes and ignored us, others looked but didn’t CRACK A SMILE. There was only one or two that acknowledged us and smiled.
I did enjoy getting my LADYBELLS out in my new DOLCE & GABBANA BRASSIERE and slipping on the FISHNETS SUSPENDERS and BIKER BOOTS. As you well know I am usually such a shy and retiring flower but I thought you might like a look.
My dear friend Gloria and I popped in to our village social club for a quick nightcap on returning home. We did cause a bit of a stir and then my dear friends Theresa and Bernard our fellow dresser-uppers turned up just to add to the amusement of the clientele.
All in all a fab night and if you get the chance GO AND SEE THE SHOW, you won’t be disappointed.
P.S. Here we all are