My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, what larks this morning, indeed Ronald and I were up with the LARKS as we were due early for our annual flu jabs, at our local surgery.
It was touch and go as to whether Ronald could have his as he has had an allergic reaction and his eyes are swollen.
Back at home both punctured and patched we headed outdoors as the weather is glorious.
I intended to WRITE with occasional bits of gardening in between.Ronald decides he is going to clear weeds in the paving with a STANLEY KNIFE but needs a new blade. After attempting but failing to pull the top off he tries various items of CUTLERY before he goes for his HAMMER, at which point I intervene in the hope of avoiding another injury. Oh did I mention that Ronald has BROKEN his WRIST!
I managed to get the top off quite easily with a KNITTING NEEDLE, a reason everyone should learn to KNIT, it does come in handy in all sorts of situations. There was a tiny little knob that had to be depressed (you would be depressed if you had one like that!) before the lid came off.
I am on alert as I sit here and write as with his swollen eyes and vision impaired, a STANLEY KNIFE and a BROKEN WRIST, anything could happen!
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, LET’S DO THE TIME-WARP AGAIN.
What a fantastic, FUNNY, SEXY, show, (who can resist a man in a basque, suspenders and stockings. It’s given me ideas for Ronald’s birthday which is approaching) with an AMAZING CAST who handled the very vocal heckling audience with aplomb.
At times the heckling was so funny the actors had to pause to compose themselves which all added to the enjoyment.
Oh what feelings ROCKY aroused in us ladies, he really was a ‘CHARLES ATLAS’ of a man in his tiny LEOPARD PRINT pants. I have never seen PRESS-UP STAR JUMPS before.
And how impressive is RICHARD O’BRIEN reprising his show after 43 years.
I am sorry to say that at the THEATRE we attended for the live performance had a very CONSERVATIVE audience and WE WERE the ONLY FOUR PEOPLE TO DRESS UP!
Not only that but most averted their eyes and ignored us, others looked but didn’t CRACK A SMILE. There was only one or two that acknowledged us and smiled.
I did enjoy getting my LADYBELLS out in my new DOLCE & GABBANA BRASSIERE and slipping on the FISHNETS SUSPENDERS and BIKER BOOTS. As you well know I am usually such a shy and retiring flower but I thought you might like a look.
My dear friend Gloria and I popped in to our village social club for a quick nightcap on returning home. We did cause a bit of a stir and then my dear friends Theresa and Bernard our fellow dresser-uppers turned up just to add to the amusement of the clientele.
All in all a fab night and if you get the chance GO AND SEE THE SHOW, you won’t be disappointed.
P.S. Here we all are
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, I am DUSTING OFF THE SUSPENDERS, airing the SPARKLY SHORTS, tightening the GREEN SATIN BRASSIERE, sewing up the toe-hole in the BLACK FISHNET STOCKINGS and polishing my BLACK BIKER BOOTS.
Yes I am off to THE ROCKY HORROR SHOW tomorrow night and DRESSING UP is obligatory.
I just hope that when I arrive at our local THEATRE’S LIVE SCREENING, I am not the only one looking like a third rate member of the cast!
Please look away now occasional gentleman.
My dear ladies we all know that FANNY FARTS are a natural occurrence for us women. If we are honest they usually happen at embarrassing moments.
But I believe we should celebrate this phenomenon and discard the embarrassment. Let us be proud of our FANNY FARTS after all, men cannot do them.
So when you exit the lavatory to a waiting queue of ladies after a spectacular FANNY FART, take a bow.
When you are DOWNWARD DOGGING at Yoga and a FANNY FART rips through the chilled out class, be PROUD.
Be aware that horse-riding can result in multiple FANNY FARTS.
When you are in the GREENGROCERS standing on one leg stretched out and reaching up to that top shelf for a KIWI FRUIT and a FANNY FART escapes, turn and smile at the other shoppers, tossing your fruit in a nonchalant manner.
The man in your life will be delighted with the extra action, should one occur during intimate relations.
I must admit to enjoying a FANNY FART when I’m super excited because I’m in a new WOOL shop with gorgeous wools.
Remember ladies be proud of our bodies and their functions, never be embarrassed, embrace those FANNY FARTS!
p.s. Just to clarify for my dear ladies and occasional gentleman who reside in other countries, FANNY FARTS do not erupt from ladies bottoms.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, today Ronald NEARLY made my day when he said “I’m going to give you a little touch up, I know you’ve been wanting it” accompanied by a cheeky little smile.
Ooh must be the hot weather! I lay back and draped myself in what I hoped was a seductive manner on the garden swing.
Ronald headed my way, bypassed me and delved into his SHED, coming out with a tin of paint and a paintbrush.
He turned the metal two-seater garden seat upside down and started happily painting away. He didn’t notice the DISAPPOINTMENT on GRUMPY visage or realise that Hirsute Roley was lying underneath, sensibly in the shade out of the hot sun.
Nothing to see here his look says as he sits on my POANG with his large BLUE STREAK.
My dear ladies and occasional gentleman, do you like to read? I know I do.
If you like to read and enjoy a good chuckle perhaps you might like to read this, a sci-fi comedy romp across the multiverse.
ps. Available on Amazon
SOCKS & SHORTS! What, I hear you cry my dear ladies and occasional gentleman are you talking about?
I am talking about MEN wearing SOCKS with SHORTS!
This used to be a look the older gentleman favoured but I am sorry to have to inform you that even young men are now sporting this look.
I recently had the misfortune to espy a young man who had adopted a heavy metal/rock look with his long black hair and black rocker band t-shirt. As this rebel without a cause pushed his baby-stroller past me I was able to view what completed his ensemble.
A pair of long mid-calf SHORTS with about 10 centimetres of hairy leg before the black SOCKS!
This is not a good look!
I will admit that the occasional dapper senior gentleman, wearing smartly pressed linen shorts, can get away with a white knee-length sock, even better if held up by a suspender.
So I appeal to you occasional gentleman.
IF IT’S WARM ENOUGH TO WEAR SHORTS, IT’S WARM ENOUGH NOT TO WEAR SOCKS!